Psychologist Anna Iotko talks about what typical female behavior patterns poison even the most promising relationships, how to recognize that your behavior is “toxic,” and how to save your love.
Habit: The silent game or “guess what”
What it is: Any relationship, even the best one, becomes toxic and quickly reaches a dead end when people do not know how to talk about their emotions and feelings. The classic situation: “What happened?” – “Nothing!” The woman waits for the man to guess what she wants him to do or say at the moment. And, as a rule, she does not wait. Instead of being open in a relationship with your man, for example, when he has not called for two days, for some reason we continue to pretend that everything is fine, and not say that “I was worried”, “I felt unpleasant” or “I do not understand why you disappeared for so long.”
Why it’s bad: This behavior misleads the partner. But, unfortunately, most women do this, with completely different statuses, ages, experiences, and upbringings. Silence creates a completely different picture in the man’s head: he hasn’t called for two days, nothing has changed, so everything is fine. This is why relationships become toxic – the woman hints or remains silent, and the man interprets this hint poorly or does not react at all. In 90% of 100 cases, this is not male laziness, not dislike, and in no way pride. Men simply do not understand hints. As a result, the woman feels unappreciated and accumulates resentment, and the man gets tired of being trained, and as a result, they gradually begin to distance themselves from each other.
How to do it: Declare your emotions. Without hints and without playing the guessing game, express your feelings as specifically as possible, because this is the main guideline for your partner on how to behave in the future. Any woman, even the most beautiful one, needs compliments, and it is important for her to feel valued by her partner. But few of us know how to talk about it openly. It seems to us that by telling our man a phrase like “I am very glad that you called, I have been waiting for this all day” or “I am very upset that you did not call for so long”, we thereby lose our exclusivity in his eyes. On the contrary! This is exactly how, by declaring our emotions, we express ourselves. Because everyone has different feelings and reactions.
Hiding them, we become “even” – that is, like everyone else. Therefore, I recommend trying to ensure that this tradition appears in a couple as early as possible. Otherwise, as the relationship develops, the misunderstanding will only increase: if today you don’t need compliments, surprises, attention, and at least three text messages a day, then why do you suddenly need them in a year?
That is, it will be very difficult to change the picture that has already formed for a man. When something goes wrong, it is worth talking about it immediately and in very clear formulations, since generalizations – “you are not attentive” or “you don’t respect me”, “you stopped loving me” – as well as hints, are either not perceived by men at all, or they are simply offended. It is better to say: “I miss this”, “give me flowers, please”, “let’s go somewhere today or tomorrow, when you have time, I have been working for some reason, and we have not been together for so long”. Any normal man will react to this very correctly.
Therefore, it is imperative to make it clear what you are not happy with, but, of course, I advise you to start with what you like – this always motivates and gives a lot of internal resources and charge to the relationship, making it even warmer and closer.
Habit: Playing the game of give-away
What it is: Another strategic mistake that concerns communication in a couple is when, having encountered a problem, we try to solve it here and now, on emotions and without thinking the situation through, which we often regret later. Even worse is to give in and constantly adjust, trying to smooth out conflicts and thereby taking the position of the one who is catching up in the relationship.
Why it’s bad: Throwing ultimatums at a partner, such as “I’m leaving the relationship” or “I won’t give you money,” a person doesn’t want what he demands – he needs to realize his inner dissatisfaction. Therefore, when a woman refuses to communicate with friends or anything else in favor of a man’s whims, but not a common goal – to build a family, for example – this is the first step to dependence. A victim-tyrant is the most toxic relationship imaginable.
How to do it: A healthy relationship is when both partners, holding hands, go to a common goal, respecting each other’s personal space. Therefore, whatever the situation, take a break – at least two or three days to think. A little later, when the emotions subside, return to this issue again. But in a moment of conflict, the correct reaction will be – “let you think and I will think.” And, as a rule, options are found. When a man and a woman strive for a compromise, not to prove who is right or smarter, but to find a solution to the problem, they have already won.
But if it is such an unequivocal “no”, then the story here is that someone just wants to stamp their foot, and in no case should you follow their lead. You should not respond to threats at all. Firstly, you need to take time so as not to aggravate the situation, secondly, such a formulation of the question will not work in principle. Both men and women. Because if he or she bends and adjusts now, the problem will not be solved, and after a while, someone will get tired of standing in such a pose, and the conflict will definitely return, in a different form and with other claims. Therefore, it is important to constantly work on maintaining the “health” in the relationship, and in no case let things slide.
Habit: Catch-up
What it is: This mistake is partly a continuation of the previous topic. We girls, due to some genetic peculiarities, tend to give in to momentary emotions. And since thousands of parallel thoughts usually swarm in our heads, it is difficult for us to understand ourselves, and because of this, we are often inconsistent in our words and actions. “Do you need a ride?” – “No, no need. Well, okay – drive!” Saying “no” and then running and saying “yes-yes-yes” is a deliberately losing position.
Why it’s bad: By behaving this way, we deprive a man of the opportunity to take responsibility for his actions. He didn’t call, didn’t keep a promise, didn’t give a damn, but he still has breakfast in the morning and sex in the evening, the house is clean – and she is still with him. This cannot be done – to be the one who catches up, because in such a relationship model, a woman devalues herself. And this one global mistake is enough to ruin any relationship and life.
How to do it: Don’t give comfort without receiving it. After all, partners should mutually strive for comfort and understand each other’s values. The difference in male and female perceptions is that we put together a picture from details that are much more important to us, while a man sees mostly only the general picture. And if the usual picture remains the same for him, then there is no need to change anything, neither in your behavior nor in the relationship.
In general, the right strategy is always “yes”. “Do you like it?” – “Yes!”, “Let’s go” – “Yes!”, “To mom’s?” – “Yes!” But the implementation of this “yes” should depend on the actions of the partner. That is, if my man, for example, says that on Wednesday we are going to mom’s, we agreed, but until Wednesday he completely ignores me and behaves disgustingly, then I have every reason to change my decision to “no” and say: “You know, I sincerely wanted to go to your mom’s, but over the past three days you have gotten on my nerves so much, unfortunately, you don’t hear me at all. Let’s go to Mom’s, and I’ll rest at home so that tomorrow we can meet in a different mood, discuss everything, and finally spend a calm day.” Agree, there is a difference, and such a formulation of the question says something about a woman and a person.
Habit: Shifting Responsibility
What it is: You’re having a bad day, you’ve fought with a close friend, things aren’t going well in business, or something else has happened. What do we often do? We start bringing all of this into the relationship and projecting our emotions onto the man.
Why it’s bad: Sharing your worries and experiences with a loved one is not bad. It’s a mistake to shift responsibility for what’s happening to you onto your partner. You can’t blame someone else for your problems – “You told me then…”, “But you didn’t do anything then, you didn’t support me.” The only result will be that you’ll get a new conflict and even more aggression and pain in addition to your despair.
How to do it: You just need to ask for help and in the form in which you expect it at the moment. For example: “I have really big problems at work, I don’t know what exactly will happen: the company will fall apart, I’ll get fired, or my bonus will be cut off. Don’t say anything. Let’s watch a sappy movie together — just to distract myself, I need it now in my condition.” Or, on the contrary: “Could you give me some advice, but from a strictly personal point of view, how would you act…”.
That is, you need to clearly limit the territory, what you expect from your partner in this situation. Asking for help is normal, and, as a rule, most partners get involved and show their best side. Pretending that you are strong and will figure everything out yourself is precisely the sign of an unhealthy personality. Therefore, my most important recommendation is to be in harmony with yourself and the world, and then such “transferences” will be minimal. Toxic relationships begin when we stop growing because we got married or gave birth to a child, etc. And when we stop taking responsibility for our lives as a whole, then black holes appear in relationships.
Yes, indeed, rain can ruin the mood or something else. But if we, in principle, begin to admit the situation that our happiness does not depend on ourselves – we wait for someone to take and make us happy – then we have many claims to ourselves, and our partner and to the world, and even the most sensitive and attentive man will not be able to help us get out of this state.
