Search
Home Blog Page 2

Princess Margaret: the star and death of the first beauty of the British Kingdom

By
Newsroom
-
0
Princess Margaret: the star and death of the first beauty of the British Kingdom

Elizabeth II’s younger sister was born to shine and love. But, ironically, her star rose in the wrong family and the wrong era.

The brilliant life of Margaret Rose of the House of Windsor was like a supernova, but what a beautiful flash it was. She was born on the night of a perfect storm and was her father’s favorite daughter. Then he was neither king nor even the heir of the first line. And Margaret grew up the youngest, but no less important, child in the lives of her parents.
And then a lot happened at once: the abdication of her uncle Edward from the throne for the American Wallis, the coronation of her father, George VI, and, what is most terrible – the sudden understanding that she will always have to be the shadow of her elder sister – the crown princess now and the queen in the future. Walk slightly behind Elizabeth, and not holding hands as before, take bows after her. To her credit, she never envied Elizabeth, she was oppressed only by the role of her sister’s “train”. And Margaret decided: if she cannot become a queen, then she will be a royal star.
It was not a big problem for the princess to attract attention to herself – she was incredibly pretty, in her way, Audrey Hepburn (with whom she was almost the same age), only more interesting, because of royal blood. At 18, she was already actively interested in fashion and chose clothes based on her preferences. And at 21, she was already the main guest of all London shows of French couturiers. Christian Dior organized a show for Princess Margaret, and she demonstrated the New Look style on the covers of magazines and paraded in the most fashionable styles of clothes at official events, which she was obliged to take part in, being the daughter of the king.
She was not yet 22 when her father, the only person who understood her feelings – the feelings of a “spare”, because he had lived in this status for most of his life, suddenly died. From that moment on, an unbridgeable gap formed between her and Elizabeth. Life in Buckingham Palace was over – according to tradition, it became the home of the new queen, Elizabeth, who hastened to move her mother to Clarence House. And her younger sister was sent there along with her.
It is said that it was then that the affair began between the princess and Captain Peter Townsend, the late king’s head equerry. But it may have all started much earlier. They had known each other for many years; he taught her to ride, took her on horseback rides, looked after her safety on trips, and the fact that Margaret once saw more than a friend in this handsome, mature man is not surprising. They gave themselves away by accident – at one of the events, Margaret, on impulse, brushed a speck of dust from his clothes, and reporters noticed it. It was not difficult to pull the thread and unravel the ball: the 22-year-old sister of the Queen is in love with a groom! It is difficult to imagine a more unfortunate coincidence of circumstances in the biography of the princess’s chosen one: a commoner, divorced, with two children, 16 years older. Only one thing saved him from immediate booing – in the past, a colonel in the Royal Air Force, Townsend was a hero of the Second World War.
For three years, the whole of Great Britain, and after it the whole world, watched with undisguised and merciless attention how the relationship between the princess of the blood and the commoner was developing. It was a difficult period in Margaret’s life. Peter was sent “into exile” (as he described it) – to serve outside the country.
Margaret plunged headlong into royal duties: trips around the country and beyond, to the former British colonies. Invariably brilliant, dressed in the latest fashion, she was one of the most photographed women of royal blood (later this title would pass to Diana). She exposed herself to the cameras – for him, so that he, being far away from her, could see how beautiful she was and how faithful to his love. At that time, she didn’t hang around the English rose, but she was indifferent to courtship; she waited until she turned 25.
Princess Margaret: the star and death of the first beauty of the British Kingdom
Peter was divorced, and the Church, headed by the elder sister, did not approve of such a marriage. But at 25, Margaret could already disobey. To do this, she only had to… renounce her family and give up her titles. However, she was told directly that her actions could be the beginning of a new crisis in the monarchy, and the British monarchy might not survive the second shaking of its foundations in 20 years. When you are only 25, and not only your family but also the whole society is putting pressure on you, and the press is splashing your name, calling you a traitor to the memory of your father, it is difficult to make the right choice.
The denouement came at the end of 1955. Margaret and Peter spent their last weekend together before making their decision. They were even photographed by the paparazzi – she leaving the house, and he standing doomed by the open door, watching her go. As it turned out decades later, on that last evening, Margaret and Peter swore to each other that they would never marry anyone else, since they were not destined to be together. A couple of days later, the princess addressed the people, announcing that she was forever abandoning the idea of ​​marrying Captain Peter Townsend. The kingdom breathed a sigh of relief. And Margaret’s star began its decline.

“Is she that grieving?” – The rhetoric of the newspapers changed dramatically the morning after Margaret’s speech. Those who had called on the princess the day before to remember her duty, which was higher than personal aspirations, now that she had heard them, slandered her: “Well, naturally, the privileges of a spoiled girl turned out to be more important than the love of a commoner.” Margaret endured this mockery stoically. But she did not forgive anyone. For example, the day when the queen and her husband gave an official festive reception in honor of their 10th wedding anniversary, Margaret preferred to spend time with a friend at the theater, showing up only late in the evening and not staying for an hour at the party. This is how she took revenge on her sister for her broken dreams of happiness.

Four years later, Peter called her and said he was getting married. The only person she believed in had betrayed her. And the fact that his chosen one was strikingly similar to Margaret only made it more painful. Well, she would marry him, too. Whom? Even that simpleton, photographer Tony Armstrong-Jones, who was hanging around her like a snake. And a few days later, she proposed to him.
 A desperate step, immature revenge that brought happiness to none of the participants. A toxic marriage that lasted 18 years, a bohemian life, a series of young lovers, rapid fading (there was no trace left of the former beauty after just a few years), and universal disgusted condemnation. Today, they prefer not to remember the younger sister of Elizabeth II at all.
Princess Margaret: the star and death of the first beauty of the British Kingdom
Once Britain’s most beautiful princess, she died quietly and alone in 2002, unloved and forgotten. They called her “the English Rose,” and that’s what she was – admired, enjoyed in her company, and discarded when her beauty faded.
PS: In June 1995, after learning that Peter Townsend was dying, Margaret rushed to him. “It was so strange – she was sitting by his bed and they were talking very quietly about something,” Peter’s wife later recalled. “And then, as she was leaving, the princess said that he was the same as before, only grey.”

Didn’t Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

By
Newsroom
-
0
Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People
Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

Ironically, marrying the wrong man is the easiest mistake a woman in love can make, and also the most disastrous. We figure out why, despite total incompatibility, we allow ourselves to be led down the aisle, and why sometimes it’s worth accepting once and for all that some people just can’t be together.

There are no perfectly compatible people. We think most of us already understand this: any of our partners, no matter how great they may seem, are not right for us in some way. It may be the most trivial detail, but it still exists. At the beginning of a relationship, it is smoothed out by a feeling of elated love, and then it is polished by our ability to seek compromise and, more importantly, to achieve it.

But this is the ideal scenario, according to which healthy and self-sufficient relationships should proceed. In the most neglected cases, we can often observe how such insurmountable tension reigns between spouses or partners that one can only wonder how they manage to get along together at all. Usually, this is immediately obvious. It is impossible to be with them when they are together: an atmosphere of hostility, disagreement, and absolute indifference towards each other hangs in the air. And the worst thing is that no compromise, no psychologist, no training can help them. For them, there is only one way out – to admit that they do not love each other and go their separate ways.

And here the question arises: is it so difficult to predict that people are not right for each other, at the dawn of a relationship, when it is easier and less painful to burn bridges? It is possible: remember at least Prince Charles and Diana Spencer. The fact that there was an insurmountable spiritual gap between them was evident even in the first months of their acquaintance.

Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

And yet, the marriage took place. Why? There are a great many reasons, but if we put aside the ornate prescriptions of dynastic protocol and turn to psychology, the answer will lie on the surface. Probably, some of these nine mistakes were made, from which – let us immediately stipulate – no one in the world is immune.

We tell you how we choose the wrong people, and why we are on the threshold of an era when you need to choose a partner with your head.

We don’t understand ourselves

Describe what your ideal partner would be like. Smart? Handsome? Caring? Well, that’s exactly how most women think when they’re searching. Remember how Meghan Markle described her blind date with Prince Harry: “The only thing I asked my friend when I found out who she wanted me to meet was, ‘Is he even cute?’ Because if he wasn’t, none of this would make any sense.” It’s not that the idea of ​​looking for someone kind, handsome, and smart is bad. It’s just that the idea doesn’t make any sense because it’s too vague.

Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

What does “smart” mean? Guided by such a request, you can equally successfully find both an erudite man with whom it is pleasant to talk, and a conceited man like Prince Charles, who will quote his favorite philosophers even in the most everyday situations.

The main problem here is that you can only find a suitable partner if you know exactly who you need and what specific qualities this person should have. Why? First of all, because you are not perfect. Each of us has their own “cockroaches” in their psyche, and the most offensive thing here is that they manifest themselves most strongly in life together. Will a woman break plates in anger if she lives alone? No: most likely, she will experience negativity in herself. And with a partner? She will – if there is such a “cockroach” in her head.
The same applies to less obvious aspects. For example, when a woman is alone, she will most likely want intimacy with a man. But only when she is directly with him, she will be able to understand that perhaps she is not as sexually liberated as she thought before. This is the main danger of loneliness – when we live alone, it seems to us that we are ideal and adequate. When we start living with someone, we understand that this is far from true.
When Lady Diana and Charles’s marriage broke up, the woman’s grandmother personally apologised to Elizabeth for not warning her about her granddaughter’s “bad temper”. Could the union have turned out differently if Lady Spencer’s problems had been known from the start?

It is important to understand that everyone has “cockroaches” in their heads – and this is normal. Moreover, they should become your main indicator in finding a partner (and vice versa). Find out about each other’s “oddities” right away and decide together whether you are ready to put up with them or not.

We don’t understand others

The problem of poor self-knowledge is further compounded by the fact that other people – just like you – know damn little about themselves and are therefore in no hurry to share all the ins and outs of their character.

Naturally, we make every effort to get to know each other better. We sleep over at each other’s houses, meet each other’s families and friends, look at photographs, study the interior of his apartment in the hope of learning about his hidden traits and passions. But in the end, it all seems like a novice pilot deciding that he can fly a plane just once, by folding origami and launching its paper equivalent.

Remember the fate of Grace Kelly, who, in pursuit of her prince, was in no hurry to deeply study his character. It was enough for her that Rainier was a prince, he had tiger cubs in his garden, and he was very nice in communication, and they would learn everything else about each other already in marriage. The actress was not at all interested in the fact that he, unlike her, was an unsociable person, homely, and did not tolerate parties at all. Well, later, the Princess of Monaco paid dearly for her vain indifference.

They say that in the future, humanity will approach marriage planning with all seriousness. Potential spouses will have to fill out complex psychological questionnaires, take tests, and undergo physical tests. It sounds scary and unromantic, but it is not so hard to believe, considering that we already have marriage agencies, and on dating sites, you must fill out personal questionnaires.

As with everything that concerns the future, we will not judge how good or bad such a hypothesis is. We will agree on one thing: before going down the aisle, it would not be superfluous to find out how a person thinks, what irritates him, what calms him down, what excites him, what he thinks about children, money, fidelity, and so on.

We are not used to being happy

It is generally accepted that in love, each person seeks their happiness. But this is not entirely true. As practice and numerous studies of the unconscious show, in love we seek what is close to us, from the point of view of our personality.

Everything comes from childhood. It is at a young age that we learn from our parents what love is. True, in a very sophisticated understanding: yes, our parents loved us, but at the same time, there were punishments, an upbringing, and distancing. If we recall, for example, the childhood of actress Angelina Jolie, then in her case, there was another karmic attitude: love always goes hand in hand with betrayal. Even the unusually “correct” Brad Pitt could not destroy this idea ( read also: “6 obsessions of Angelina Jolie that destroyed her marriage” ).

As a rule, we look for partners based on subconscious signals that depend on the characteristics of our psyche and, of course, experience. A candidate who is too “perfect” makes us feel perplexed and like a pig in a poke. And we reject him in favor of someone who seems closer to us.

We are afraid to be alone

It’s hard to stay sane when choosing a partner when loneliness is already making your soul ache. That’s when the idea “just be with someone, just not alone” appears in our heads.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where, at a certain age, being single becomes something shameful. Singles are not invited to family dinners to avoid awkwardness. They have a harder time snagging their already-married friends for lunch. As a result, they start to feel awkward if they go to a restaurant alone or buy just one ticket to the cinema. And sex, contrary to modern mores, is not so easy to get when you are single: casual relationships do not provide the necessary pleasure, and there are problems with the frequency here.

Perhaps it would be easier for the whole society if our life resembled one big “communal apartment”: with public canteens instead of restaurants, with parties and promiscuous relationships. But, despite Hollywood plots, with age more and more couples begin to rest, eat, and have sex only with each other. And lonely people have to urgently look for a partner, considering marriage as a pass to social life, and not as a path to spiritual harmony and human happiness.

We rebel against the mores of the past (and lose our heads)

And this is already a question of human history. Today, marriages of convenience seem to us something low and sinful, but just two hundred years ago,o it was considered normal to choose spouses for your children (even if they were not yet born) to increase your family wealth. Such marriages were a cruel reality, ruining many lives of our ancestors. And now, when we are free to choose those with whom to go down the aisle, we are beginning to fall into the other extreme: from marriages of convenience, we are moving to reckless marriages.

Watch any melodrama of our time: choosing a partner with your head is shameful, mean, and wrong. It is much more noble to marry, as they say, “at the behest of the heart,” when the only motive is love. This attitude still works in our collective consciousness. We praise Prince William and Prince Harry for choosing their wives for love, and we reproach Prince Charles for not giving up on Lady Diana at the dawn of their acquaintance.

Romance should be above all else, and we are in no hurry to abandon this idea, even though it is already starting to become outdated. After all, Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson also once married on the leash of their instincts – and what happened then? Cheating, scandals, and a quick divorce.

We are trying to preserve happiness

Throughout our lives, we want to immortalize the best moments of our existence. We want to get the convertible that our friends took us for a ride in, or move to the country we fell in love with while visiting as tourists. Why? Because all these things or places are connected to a happy time you once had. The same with people: we spend a wonderful time with our partner, enjoying every minute with them, and mistakenly believe that marriage will immortalize this feeling. As if marriage is a sterilized jar in which love can be preserved.

This is, of course, not true. Marriage has never had and will never have the power to turn a fleeting feeling into something permanent and monumental. It is impossible: after all, the entire surge of romantic emotions that you experienced with your partner at the dawn of your relationship was connected with a certain entourage, the unknown, and the unusualness of everything that was happening. Marriage will not be able to give you unusual moments in the order of a conveyor belt: on the contrary, there will be everyday life, there will be an apartment on the outskirts of the city, children, expenses, and so on. But your partner will remain, who will always be permanent. And perhaps, it is at this moment that you will understand that a long time ago, it was not he who created that fairytale moment.

Marriage won’t help you preserve happy moments. But it can help you start experiencing new ones. Of course, if “your” person is nearby.

We consider ourselves special

We think that each of us has examples of unsuccessful marriages. For example, we watched our friends get married and break up, and in general, we understood that marriage entails many problems and trials. And yet, despite the frightening statistics, we automatically begin to include ourselves in the circle of those who will be lucky. And we voluntarily begin to play Russian roulette.

Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

We consciously exclude ourselves from the crowd, believing that “nothing like that will happen to us.” And yet this is a mistake and, again, self-deception, because getting married, relying on luck, is unwise and, most likely, will not bode well for you. Any doubts should be subject to careful analysis.

We are tired of looking for “the one”

Not everyone is destined to find love at first sight. Most often, before meeting the man of our dreams, we go through a whole gamut of love adventures: we fall in love without reciprocation, then create unsuccessful couples, then experience a period of total loneliness, then get involved with scoundrels, then vainly go to parties and bars in search of a gentleman. It is not surprising that this series sooner or later tires us so much that we just want to marry “anyone” to calm down and break the vicious circle.

Perhaps it was partly these feelings that guided Queen Elizabeth‘s sister Margaret when she learned that the only man she had ever loved had married another. The suffering exhausted her, and in despair, she married her long-time admirer, photographer Tony-Armstrong Jones. We all know the end of this story: this marriage lasted 18 years, but brought happiness to no one ( read also: “Princess Margaret: the star and death of the first beauty of the British Kingdom” ).

Didn't Work Out: Why We Marry the Wrong People

It is a mistake to think that as soon as we put on wedding rings, we automatically find ourselves in a quiet haven where there is no place for drama. Marriage has everything: betrayals, scandals, suffering, and bitter disappointments. And, returning to the previous point, it is far from certain that all this will not affect you.

Whether we like it or not, when entering into marriage, we should be guided solely by whether our partner is right for us on a psychological level or not. If not, then no matter how wonderful our love may seem to us, it will not withstand the onslaught of “aggravating” circumstances that a passport stamp entails.

Toxic Relationships: Women’s Habits That Poison Men’s Lives. Part II

By
Newsroom
-
0
Toxic Relationships: Women's Habits That Poison Men's Lives. Part II

Psychologist Anna Iotko talks about toxic relationships and the most common female mistakes that can destroy even the most promising couples.

In the first part of this article, I told you about four female behavior patterns in a couple that lead to the slag of relationships . Now I want to draw your attention to one important aspect of our life – self-development. It occurs on four levels, known to all:

  • bodily (when we take care of our health and beauty)
  • emotional (when we are in harmony with ourselves and are responsible for our lives)
  • intellectual (we know what we want – we must at least once a week sit down and think about what we want, what we lack, what we need to change, what we need to learn, etc.)
  • social (this is the part of our life where our friends, interests, and work belong)

Only when we develop simultaneously in all these directions can we feel truly happy and share this state with our partner. Otherwise, we begin to pollute the relationship with our own hands. How – this is discussed below.

Habit: Control freak

What is it: Another extreme in relationships is when a woman takes the relationship completely under her wing and begins to play the role of a mother. This also includes all sorts of reproaches and moralizing, when a woman tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas, constantly repeating such statements as “I knew it”, “How much more can you do?”, “When will you make a decision?” etc.

Why is it bad? What is happiness? Imagine you have a match. A man brings you sulfur, and you light your happiness. Both separately are also happiness, but when they are together, it is even better. There are two extremes: the first is when a woman gives a match to a man and says: “Now you dance, and I will watch”, the second is “Give it to me, I will do everything myself”, and takes the position of a strict leader or mother in the family, and then sexual attraction to her disappears. Because in a man’s head, mother and sex are two different things. Mother is for love, and sex, you need to look for another woman. So, when we start playing this role, and constantly lecturing and educating, such relationships very quickly reach a dead end. The man either starts cheating or leaves the relationship.

Toxic Relationships: Women's Habits That Poison Men's Lives. Part II

How to do it: It only seems to us that we can control everything. And in fact, it is the same mistake when a woman does not allow a man to bear responsibility for his actions. You need to stop being a control freak and look for a way out of this state through pleasure. It does not matter in what area – whether you will dance, enjoy the process of embroidery, or work. It is important to find somewhere your thrill, which you get from controlling the relationship.

Habit: Manipulating the Past

What it is : This is a state when we hold a stone behind our back and, at every opportunity, remind our partner of our resentment for their past actions towards us. From the series: “I remember how two years ago you flirted with Lenka’s friend, so I am against you going to a party alone.”

Why it’s bad: Such manipulations are truly a killer for relationships, which demotivates any improvement. A clear attitude is formed in the man’s head: “It doesn’t matter what I do; she still remembers this screw-up; accordingly, it devalues ​​any of my actions.” Again, there are two possible scenarios: either the partner will start looking for some other interest and feel like a person there, or they will simply leave. Mentioning the past is like throwing a concrete slab into a lake every time. You have a small pond, a beautiful one, goldfish swim in it, water lilies grow, and children run around this pond… And one – a slab falls! Then – two! Five! By the sixth time, it will be very difficult to restore the pond. It is easier to dig a new one.

How to do it: If returning to the situation is aimed at making you “suffer” too, it is toxic and does not give anything. It is worth returning when you want to close the issue once and for all. But first of all, you need to ask yourself: why do I want to remind him of the past so much, what does it give me? Satisfaction that I am such a heroine and endure all this, or do I want him to dance to my tune? Or maybe I should find a healthier way to convey to him what is bothering me? It is not easy, but try to find something else that can give you this feeling of self-confidence, and stop being afraid of losing this relationship. And, of course, it is important to include your partner in this situation. If he respects your mistrust and feelings at the moment and is ready to help you somehow cope with it, then such a couple has a better chance of starting everything “from scratch”.

Habit: Jealousy and provocation of jealousy

What it is: Women have developed intuition just like men do polygamy. And, as we said, if the big picture is important to them, then for us, the details – he moved his hand the wrong way for the first time in 15 years – we already understand: something is wrong. Probably, there is no woman, regardless of status and age, who, in the most dangerous moments for herself, would not get into her phone or email and check whether her suspicions are true. But it is much worse that we are afraid to openly express our feelings – and, possibly, lose this relationship, and instead we begin to prove our value to our partner and that other men may be interested in us too.

Why it is bad: On the one hand, jealousy is the most painful condition, in which both women and men can often behave inappropriately, and in certain cases it can reach obsession, and here the consequences can be the most unpleasant. On the other hand, provoking jealous situations, even if you have no one and you bought yourself flowers or new Cartier earrings, is always fraught. This way, you poison your relationship and move away from each other even more. Indeed, there is a category of men who are very good at showing themselves in a competitive spirit, but it is always disadvantageous to specifically point out the existence of an existing or non-existent rival, because the man will take advantage of this at some point.

How to do it: If a man gave a reason: paid attention to another woman at a party, complimented her, then you need to be jealous in the moment. Say that you don’t like it when he looks at other women, and please don’t admire other women in your presence. The mistake of most is that they remember it the next morning or a week later – “but you then …”. A man will always say that it was not like that at all, and you made it all up yourself. Then you need to say: “I feel that you are interested in another woman, I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. If you convince me otherwise, I will be glad; if not, you refuse this, but I will feel it, and then we will have difficulties. I cannot allow such feelings in our lives, so please think about how important this is to you. ” If your partner does not react, then you need to break the usual picture – give distance, do not be so accessible and incredibly good, so that he wants to be a male with another woman.

Perhaps your problem is simply that you have stopped watching your weight or haven’t changed your hairstyle for five years. A woman should never give up her attractiveness, even at 70, and I insist on this. Here we are not talking about provocation, but about the fact that you should not turn off female attractiveness for other men. Demonstratively discussing Petya, your neighbor, or Vasya from work with your partner, with whom you just had coffee at lunch, is fundamentally wrong, and it always looks artificial. But if you do not give up seeing men in your field of vision, then this feeling of yours, when others are really interested in you, which, of course, adds self-confidence, will affect your man instantly.

Toxic Relationships: Women’s Habits That Poison Men’s Lives. Part I

By
Newsroom
-
0
Women's Habits That Poison Men's Lives

Psychologist Anna Iotko talks about what typical female behavior patterns poison even the most promising relationships, how to recognize that your behavior is “toxic,” and how to save your love.

It is generally accepted that toxic relationships are those in which your partner ignores your desires and needs and breaks you to suit themselves. But in reality, this is just one of the variants of unhealthy relationships. More often than not, toxic behavior is not even considered as such, and we live for years without noticing what exactly is destroying our love. Moreover, unable to recognize our own “toxicity,” we bring it into new relationships and fail again. Below are what patterns of female behavior that inevitably lead to the collapse of love (even if you still cling to each other out of habit).

Habit: The silent game or “guess what”

What it is:  Any relationship, even the best one, becomes toxic and quickly reaches a dead end when people do not know how to talk about their emotions and feelings. The classic situation: “What happened?” – “Nothing!” The woman waits for the man to guess what she wants him to do or say at the moment. And, as a rule, she does not wait. Instead of being open in a relationship with your man, for example, when he has not called for two days, for some reason we continue to pretend that everything is fine, and not say that “I was worried”, “I felt unpleasant” or “I do not understand why you disappeared for so long.”

Why it’s bad:  This behavior misleads the partner. But, unfortunately, most women do this, with completely different statuses, ages, experiences, and upbringings. Silence creates a completely different picture in the man’s head: he hasn’t called for two days, nothing has changed, so everything is fine. This is why relationships become toxic – the woman hints or remains silent, and the man interprets this hint poorly or does not react at all. In 90% of 100 cases, this is not male laziness, not dislike, and in no way pride. Men simply do not understand hints. As a result, the woman feels unappreciated and accumulates resentment, and the man gets tired of being trained, and as a result, they gradually begin to distance themselves from each other.

How to do it: Declare your emotions. Without hints and without playing the guessing game, express your feelings as specifically as possible, because this is the main guideline for your partner on how to behave in the future. Any woman, even the most beautiful one, needs compliments, and it is important for her to feel valued by her partner. But few of us know how to talk about it openly. It seems to us that by telling our man a phrase like “I am very glad that you called, I have been waiting for this all day” or “I am very upset that you did not call for so long”, we thereby lose our exclusivity in his eyes. On the contrary! This is exactly how, by declaring our emotions, we express ourselves. Because everyone has different feelings and reactions.

Hiding them, we become “even” – that is, like everyone else. Therefore, I recommend trying to ensure that this tradition appears in a couple as early as possible. Otherwise, as the relationship develops, the misunderstanding will only increase: if today you don’t need compliments, surprises, attention, and at least three text messages a day, then why do you suddenly need them in a year?

That is, it will be very difficult to change the picture that has already formed for a man. When something goes wrong, it is worth talking about it immediately and in very clear formulations, since generalizations – “you are not attentive” or “you don’t respect me”, “you stopped loving me” – as well as hints, are either not perceived by men at all, or they are simply offended. It is better to say: “I miss this”, “give me flowers, please”, “let’s go somewhere today or tomorrow, when you have time, I have been working for some reason, and we have not been together for so long”. Any normal man will react to this very correctly.

Therefore, it is imperative to make it clear what you are not happy with, but, of course, I advise you to start with what you like – this always motivates and gives a lot of internal resources and charge to the relationship, making it even warmer and closer.

Women's Habits That Poison Men's Lives

Habit: Playing the game of give-away

What it is: Another strategic mistake that concerns communication in a couple is when, having encountered a problem, we try to solve it here and now, on emotions and without thinking the situation through, which we often regret later. Even worse is to give in and constantly adjust, trying to smooth out conflicts and thereby taking the position of the one who is catching up in the relationship.

Why it’s bad: Throwing ultimatums at a partner, such as “I’m leaving the relationship” or “I won’t give you money,” a person doesn’t want what he demands – he needs to realize his inner dissatisfaction. Therefore, when a woman refuses to communicate with friends or anything else in favor of a man’s whims, but not a common goal – to build a family, for example – this is the first step to dependence. A victim-tyrant is the most toxic relationship imaginable.

How to do it: A healthy relationship is when both partners, holding hands, go to a common goal, respecting each other’s personal space. Therefore, whatever the situation, take a break – at least two or three days to think. A little later, when the emotions subside, return to this issue again. But in a moment of conflict, the correct reaction will be – “let you think and I will think.” And, as a rule, options are found. When a man and a woman strive for a compromise, not to prove who is right or smarter, but to find a solution to the problem, they have already won.

But if it is such an unequivocal “no”, then the story here is that someone just wants to stamp their foot, and in no case should you follow their lead. You should not respond to threats at all. Firstly, you need to take time so as not to aggravate the situation, secondly, such a formulation of the question will not work in principle. Both men and women. Because if he or she bends and adjusts now, the problem will not be solved, and after a while, someone will get tired of standing in such a pose, and the conflict will definitely return, in a different form and with other claims. Therefore, it is important to constantly work on maintaining the “health” in the relationship, and in no case let things slide.

Habit: Catch-up

What it is:  This mistake is partly a continuation of the previous topic. We girls, due to some genetic peculiarities, tend to give in to momentary emotions. And since thousands of parallel thoughts usually swarm in our heads, it is difficult for us to understand ourselves, and because of this, we are often inconsistent in our words and actions. “Do you need a ride?” – “No, no need. Well, okay – drive!” Saying “no” and then running and saying “yes-yes-yes” is a deliberately losing position.

Why it’s bad:  By behaving this way, we deprive a man of the opportunity to take responsibility for his actions. He didn’t call, didn’t keep a promise, didn’t give a damn, but he still has breakfast in the morning and sex in the evening, the house is clean – and she is still with him. This cannot be done – to be the one who catches up, because in such a relationship model, a woman devalues ​​herself. And this one global mistake is enough to ruin any relationship and life.

How to do it:  Don’t give comfort without receiving it. After all, partners should mutually strive for comfort and understand each other’s values. The difference in male and female perceptions is that we put together a picture from details that are much more important to us, while a man sees mostly only the general picture. And if the usual picture remains the same for him, then there is no need to change anything, neither in your behavior nor in the relationship.

In general, the right strategy is always “yes”. “Do you like it?” – “Yes!”, “Let’s go” – “Yes!”, “To mom’s?” – “Yes!” But the implementation of this “yes” should depend on the actions of the partner. That is, if my man, for example, says that on Wednesday we are going to mom’s, we agreed, but until Wednesday he completely ignores me and behaves disgustingly, then I have every reason to change my decision to “no” and say: “You know, I sincerely wanted to go to your mom’s, but over the past three days you have gotten on my nerves so much, unfortunately, you don’t hear me at all. Let’s go to Mom’s, and I’ll rest at home so that tomorrow we can meet in a different mood, discuss everything, and finally spend a calm day.” Agree, there is a difference, and such a formulation of the question says something about a woman and a person.

Habit: Shifting Responsibility

Women's Habits That Poison Men's Lives

What it is:  You’re having a bad day, you’ve fought with a close friend, things aren’t going well in business, or something else has happened. What do we often do? We start bringing all of this into the relationship and projecting our emotions onto the man.

Why it’s bad:  Sharing your worries and experiences with a loved one is not bad. It’s a mistake to shift responsibility for what’s happening to you onto your partner. You can’t blame someone else for your problems – “You told me then…”, “But you didn’t do anything then, you didn’t support me.” The only result will be that you’ll get a new conflict and even more aggression and pain in addition to your despair.

How to do it:  You just need to ask for help and in the form in which you expect it at the moment. For example: “I have really big problems at work, I don’t know what exactly will happen: the company will fall apart, I’ll get fired, or my bonus will be cut off. Don’t say anything. Let’s watch a sappy movie together — just to distract myself, I need it now in my condition.” Or, on the contrary: “Could you give me some advice, but from a strictly personal point of view, how would you act…”.

That is, you need to clearly limit the territory, what you expect from your partner in this situation. Asking for help is normal, and, as a rule, most partners get involved and show their best side. Pretending that you are strong and will figure everything out yourself is precisely the sign of an unhealthy personality. Therefore, my most important recommendation is to be in harmony with yourself and the world, and then such “transferences” will be minimal. Toxic relationships begin when we stop growing because we got married or gave birth to a child, etc. And when we stop taking responsibility for our lives as a whole, then black holes appear in relationships.

Yes, indeed, rain can ruin the mood or something else. But if we, in principle, begin to admit the situation that our happiness does not depend on ourselves – we wait for someone to take and make us happy – then we have many claims to ourselves, and our partner and to the world, and even the most sensitive and attentive man will not be able to help us get out of this state.

7 Misguided Attitudes That Attract Negative Men

By
Newsroom
-
0
7 Misguided Attitudes That Attract Negative Men
7 Misguided Attitudes That Attract Negative Men

Why do men appear in our lives time after time who behave selfishly and undermine our self-esteem? It turns out that it’s all about our wrong attitudes. Let’s figure out what prevents us from building a harmonious relationship with a worthy person.

Are you familiar with the situation when you meet a new man, and it seems to you that everything will be different with him? When you think that with this person, you will not repeat past mistakes and will be able to build a strong union? But in the end, everything turns out exactly the opposite. Toxic relationships deal another blow to our self-esteem, and gradually we begin to lose faith that we will be able to meet a worthy partner at all. And the more such negative thoughts we have, the easier it is for us to become a victim of a narcissistic or egoistic man.

What is the reason for this endless cycle of failed relationships and the “wrong” men who appear in life? Most often, the problem lies in our own thoughts and false attitudes. Here are some of them:

1. “Others determine my self-worth.”

You should never let the opinions of others become a measure of your self-worth. The opinions of most people around you cannot be relied upon in this matter. Men come and go, why should you live with the feeling that you are a “discounted commodity” just because one of them called you, for example, “not a housewife”?

In addition, we often do not take into account many factors, believing that all the negative words said to us are the real thoughts of the interlocutor. Imagine that your man has serious problems at work, and he gets upset by any little thing. And you ask him if this dress fits you well. To which he, of course, gets irritated and says: “I don’t care at all what you’re wearing! You’re so superficial and stupid that all you can think about is clothes.”

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

Of course, it’s offensive. An insult out of nowhere, and even a belittlement of intellectual abilities. But, most likely, this carelessly thrown phrase has absolutely no relation to reality. Your man does not think so, and said it only because at that moment he was thinking about the morning meeting at work, at which the issue of bankruptcy of his company is being decided. Moreover, there is a possibility that later he will not even remember that he said such words ( read also :  5 simple truths about men that are useful for every woman to know ).

There are many reasons why people around us give us negative assessments, and most often, they are connected with the personality and life circumstances of the “assessor”. For example, a person simply got up on the wrong side of the bed, so everything irritates him, or he envies you, so he prefers to speak about you in unpleasant terms. So, do not take everything to heart and think that the opinion of others determines our personality.

2. “I have nothing to offer others.”

If you are not confident in your worth and your abilities, how can this attract a self-sufficient man into your life? Of course, you can’t. Have you heard that like attracts like? This is roughly the same situation. If you feel like a complete person, then there will be no place for toxic relationships and narcissists in your life.

Don’t make finding a partner your life’s goal. After all, there are so many interesting things around. Take up dancing or yoga, visit new places, make new acquaintances, or fulfill your childhood dreams. When you find your own interest in life and feel your uniqueness, you will discover that there are equally interesting and self-sufficient people around you, including men, one of whom may turn out to be the one for you, and you for him.

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

3. “I constantly find myself in toxic relationships – I guess that’s my destiny.”

This is true for many of us. Our past certainly influences our future, but it does not determine it.

If you repeat the mistakes of old relationships in new ones, there is no higher predestination in this. It only shows that you failed to learn the necessary lessons this time. But there is no need to get upset, you just need to change your view of the past. If you perceive unsuccessful experience as a tool that will help you not to make the same mistakes in the future, you have every chance to build a harmonious relationship.

4. “Every person can be changed.”

Adults rarely change dramatically. Negative character traits are hard to suppress in adulthood, and negative habits become deeply ingrained in us over the years. Some of them, such as a constant tendency to lie, may indicate a narcissistic and toxic personality.

Only if a person himself realizes that his behavior is fundamentally wrong, he have a chance to change. If such a position were imposed on him by a person from the outside, he would not change.

Unfortunately, people are not able to change only at their will. Often, women think that with their care and wisdom, they can “fix” their partner. Make him give up bad habits, become softer and more responsive, and take a responsible attitude to the family budget. But such good intentions, in most cases, are doomed to failure from the start. Try to make it a rule – never start a serious relationship if you are not satisfied with the behavior, views, or character traits of your partner – and you will see how your life will change.

5. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

This is not only a wrong but also a dangerous misconception. Giving a second chance once is usually reasonable (who among us hasn’t made mistakes?), but constantly turning a blind eye to the fact that your partner is causing you pain, problems, or troubles is not worth it. If a person repeats their mistakes over and over again or behaves ugly towards you, there is something wrong with them.

In this case, it is also important to track the problem in time. Because if you let the situation go, a person with toxic behavior begins to feel freer in their negative manifestations. We have all heard sad stories about domestic violence. And it all probably began with the man raising his voice at the woman for any of her offenses and banging his fist on the table. And she got upset and cried, but forgave each time.

Take care of yourself and love yourself. Not every behavior deserves forgiveness, nor is every person able to realize their wrongness so as not to repeat their mistakes.

6. “I don’t deserve better.”

Many of our negative attitudes have their roots in childhood. For example, children who are different from others, who do not behave like most people around them, may begin to think that there is something wrong with them. Let’s say we have a tradition of girls playing with dolls, but what should we do if the little one is interested in trains and a Lego railroad?

During adolescence, important changes occur in a person’s life. His personality is formed, and he searches for himself. And at this moment, he may feel that he is very different from others. Thus, the thought may arise that “since I am different, I am less worthy.”

If such children are not given the support they need from their parents and older mentors, there is a danger that they will continue to feel, as adults, that they deserve less than “normal” people.

And those around us act as our mirror. If we believe that we deserve only mediocre treatment, that is how we will be treated. If we believe that we deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and honesty, we attract that into our lives.

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

In the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, Heath Ledger’s character says a very important phrase that is worth remembering as a life credo: “Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not worthy of who you want.”

7. “My life is full of negativity.”

Have you ever met people who glow from within? They emanate rays of positive energy, which they charge everyone around them with. Subconsciously, you want to reach out to them, be near them, and communicate. The opposite situation is with people who are tuned to a negative wave. They emanate melancholy and despondency, and we want to quickly run away from them as far as possible.

Of course, everyone has difficult periods in life. But even amidst the endless rush and sudden problems, you must not forget about your emotional well-being. It is useful to devote at least 10 minutes to meditation every day. But if this does not suit you, try to simply stop at some point and distract yourself from pressing matters, take a deep breath and exhale, remember what you love, what gives you pleasure and joy. Let good memories and pleasant images emerge in your memory that will make you smile. Let these positive emotions pass through you and move on.

7 Misguided Attitudes That Attract Negative Men

If you find the strength to get rid of these negative attitudes, you will simply not want to let selfish and negative people into your life.

Abusers and Sociopaths: How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

By
Newsroom
-
0
How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

Every day, we communicate with different people. Some we like and are pleasant to, and some leave an alluring, charming impression, yet next to such a person, we feel “insufficient.”

You like him. He’s attractive, charismatic, and confident. But when you spend time with him, you start to feel like there’s something wrong with you: like you’re not smart enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough, or even patient enough. You’re always “not enough” around an abuser or a sociopath.

“Abuser” comes from the English word “abuse” – violence. That is, an abuser is a person who commits violence, going beyond the limits of what is acceptable. He insults, humiliates, and morally mocks loved ones.

Sociopaths are people with a personality disorder that manifests itself in ignoring social norms, aggressiveness, extreme impulsiveness, and the inability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships.

When we hear stories about such partners, we think: “It’s unlikely to happen to me.” But we completely forget that both abusers and sociopaths tend to make women fall in love with them and act almost magically on their potential victims. Why the victim? Because only women with a neurotic type of thinking stay with these tyrants. They all indulge in illusions and hope that “it is with me that he will become a different person,” “I will show him true love, family, kindness, and care, and then he will understand everything and, of course, appreciate it.” He will not appreciate it! Never. Moreover, he will begin to provoke and show emotional violence towards you even more every day.  Let’s look at the main strategies of abusers and sociopaths.

Abusers

Their strong point is destructive behavior. They cannot communicate calmly without provocations, humiliation, and insults. Yes, they are bored when you smile and do something more important than him. Such men will always provoke you and get you mad. But as soon as you give an emotional response, they calmly leave with a sense of accomplishment, go to bed, and leave you alone, face to face with a mountain of their complaints and a bunch of questions and fears.

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence
                            How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

An abuser knows how to wait. Doesn’t answer calls or text messages. Never reports or informs a woman of his plans. After all, the most important thing is himself. Everything is for him, for him and his sake. And if you think differently, or, God forbid, you have a different view of things, punishment is inevitable. On his part, it manifests itself in ignoring, demonstrative, and cruel. The abuser’s entire life is built on narcissism, claims to others, and emphasized disdain for loved ones, especially his partner. He considers himself good, and the world around him is disgusting, where, of course, no one understands him.

Sociopaths

These amazing people can be recognized by their unusual and creative response strategies. You will not understand at all what he wants at the moment. The main sign of sociopaths is incongruence, that is, the discrepancy between the internal state, thinking, and external behavior. A sharp change in mood, aggression that increases in a second, and an unwillingness to comply with elementary norms and rules of behavior.

It is useless to talk to sociopaths. And even more so to call them to order. The more you educate and scold them, the more likely it is that they will intentionally avoid unnecessary responsibility and fulfilling obligations.

An amazing feature of sociopaths is that they always have their own exclusive opinion on any issue. And you will not be able to dispute it. If you try, you will be covered by its aggressive and uncontrollable wave. Such men are mainly attractive to women of a sacrificial disposition. They give the impression of strong, charismatic, and courageous people.

The ability to seduce without even trying hard gives women confidence that these men are special and exceptional.

Abusers and sociopaths are similar in that the main tool of influence for both is emotional blackmail. To get what they want, they resort to manipulation and threats. If this does not help, then their behavior becomes aggressive, or, on the contrary, they begin to ignore their victims and demonstrate their resentment.

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence
And yet, there is a key difference between these two types of people. While abusers are extremely empathic and sensitive individuals who use these qualities for manipulative purposes, sociopaths are distinguished by emotional dullness and indifference to the pain of another person. They need to cut off their victim from the outside world and lock them in their destructive and painful world.

If you recognize someone in your circle in these definitions (or even your partner), pay attention to the “psychological first aid kit” – it contains what you should take into service in order to break the vicious circle of manipulation and bullying.

  • Everything you live with now is an illusion carefully created by such a person for the sake of his personal goals. You are not ugly, stupid, limited, bow-legged, or useless. By telling you these offensive words, he is trying to stop all your attempts to leave him for a world where you are truly loved and appreciated. After all, if you suddenly understand that you are a beautiful, smart, and self-sufficient woman who deserves good treatment and respect, he will have no chance to manipulate you. The more you are unsure of yourself, the easier it is for him to assert himself at your expense, each time lowering your self-esteem lower and lower.
  • Any attempts to escape will cause aggression in him. It will be expressed in two variations: direct aggression (screams, scandals, physical violence) and hidden aggression (revenge, provocation of jealousy, demonstrative ignoring, and devaluation of you as a woman). You need to find support from a specialist or a loved one to end the relationship with such a destructive man.
  • You will have to fight with yourself too. You will still be visited by self-deprecating thoughts that are born of the fear of losing him: “It’s my fault that I made him lose his temper”, “I do everything wrong”, “He is very tired”, “He is just a very emotional person”. All these are subconscious attempts to justify him. And he will not miss the opportunity to take advantage of your weakness and will continue to put even more pressure on you through revenge, aggression, humiliation, and aggressive blackmail.

How to Recognize and Protect Yourself from Their Influence

  • You will feel very bad without him. You will practically have to start living all over again. Nothing is interesting, no one, and nothing attracts you. The longer you communicate with an abuser or sociopath, the less you see yourself as an independent person. And that means you stop living your own life and your desires (after all, the only thing that matters is what he wants, remember?). And when he disappears from your life, you feel empty, because you have already forgotten how to recognize your aspirations and dreams. You will have no desires. Although, perhaps, one will remain – for him to come back, call, write. During such periods of emotionally dependent madness, it is worth switching. Repeat this simple exercise: ask yourself daily what you want. With an effort of will, try to remember what brought you joy before you fell into the web of an abuser or sociopath. Then implement it. Only by paying attention to your sincere desires can you return to an interesting and fulfilling life.
  • During the period of separation from an abuser or sociopath, be prepared for the fact that it will not be easy. You will be rocked on emotional swings: wild love for him and admiration, then fear and hatred, along with the inability to resist raging emotions. Treat yourself at this time like a child with a high temperature. Pay attention to yourself and pamper yourself. Just do not feel sorry for yourself – there is no point in going into negative thoughts. “I am always like this”, “Nothing good will ever happen in my life”, “I love him and only him,” and other similar depressive conclusions are just a consequence of a carefully constructed manipulative story, where there is only one main character – He. Unfortunately, there was no place for you in his fairy tale.

You can protect yourself from their influence and manipulation by being indifferent and independent.

The lack of fear of losing an abuser or sociopath disarms them, and they stop their aggressive manipulations for a while. Unfortunately, these transformations are not permanent. At some point, you will feel yourself slipping back into a victim position.

No matter how much you want to, abusers and sociopaths cannot be changed. But you can change your life by freeing yourself from destructive relationships. You don’t have to wait for the right moment – ​​it will never come. Decide for yourself – do you intend to continue to endure, adapt, and humiliate yourself, or do you want to live a full, vibrant, and rich life? The choice is yours.

Invisible Violence: What is Gaslighting and How to Protect Yourself from It

By
Newsroom
-
0
Invisible Violence

Every day we hear horror stories about victims of “kitchen boxers”, but violence can be not only physical, but also psychological. We tell you what to do if you are faced with gaslighting.

In the modern world, where the problem of violence against women has not yet been solved, one can increasingly hear such terms as ageism, victim blaming, and lookism. And if the meaning of these words, borrowed from the English language, is more or less clear, then other terms denoting types of psychological pressure still raise questions. For example, the Anglicism “gaslighting” has relatively recently begun to appear in the lexicon. Its meaning is far from clear to everyone, although almost everyone has encountered this type of psychological violence in real life. Anna Devyatka, a family psychologist and Gestalt therapist, talks about what gaslighting is and what to do if you encounter this problem.

The term “gaslighting” itself is a type of psychological violence that consists of denying the facts that have happened and forcing you to question your adequacy. That is, the gaslighter (the person whose actions are directed at you) systematically and regularly denies the adequacy and realism of your perception. These are people who systematically and on a permanent basis devalue not only your words, but also your judgments, experiences, and actions.

The term appeared in the mid-20th century after the English play Gas Lighting, the main idea of ​​which was to question the adequacy of the main character through psychological manipulation.

Almost everyone has encountered a similar situation in a mild form. You probably had a conflict with an opponent in which you claimed that he or she had repeatedly made reproaches and insults towards you, but the person categorically denied it. Or when sorting out relations with parents, you said that you never felt supported and were always criticized, and in response, you heard that the problem was far-fetched and that nothing like that happened. Perhaps in a relationship, you caught your loved one flirting or even cheating, and in response, you received accusations of inadequate perception of reality.

What unites these situations is that in all cases, you were sure that you were right, but the words of the opponent made you doubt the correctness and truthfulness of your words and actions. This is the manipulation technique of the gaslighter, who is trying with all his might to deprive his victim of confidence and faith in himself.

Denial of the facts that happened

The gaslighter may say the following: “I couldn’t say that, you’re making it up,” “That never happened,” “It was completely different, you’re lying.” At some point, the victim really begins to doubt what’s happening and blames themselves for conflicts with their partner, believing that the problems are imaginary.

Denial of the adequacy of emotions

The next step of the abuser is to make the victim doubt her own emotions: “You’re imagining it all, it seems to you,” “It’s not as bad as you say,” “Calm down, you always make a mountain out of a molehill,” “You’re crazy to react like that because of some stupidity.” In such a situation, a person under the influence of the emotional abuser’s manipulations stops trusting their own feelings and emotions.

A statement of the fact of your inadequacy
The gaslighter makes the victim think that her reaction to current events is inadequate: “Are you okay? You haven’t been like that lately. “Judging by your behavior, you’re depressed again.” Such statements provoke doubts, guilt, and helplessness in the victim, while this is exactly the reaction the abuser is seeking.

Devaluing your successes
An important point in the gaslighter’s plan is to devalue the victim’s successes and deprive her of self-confidence: “At your age, I already had two higher educations and was providing for my family, and you…”, “I did the same thing a year ago twice as fast and better, and you still do stupid things.”

Shifting responsibility

A gaslighter will never admit their guilt. On the contrary, an emotional abuser will always look for those to blame, who provoked him, set him up, and deceived him. Even if the victim tries to have an open conversation, the abuser will find a way to turn everything in his favor, namely, he will blame her for all the existing problems.

Substitution of concepts

What is forgivable and permitted for a gaslighter is required of others in threefold volume. He can do almost anything: if such a person gets into an unpleasant situation or makes a mistake, he will always find ways to explain his behavior, and he will always blame the system or other people. However, if a similar situation happens to the victim, the abuser will not be petty and will blame her for all the failures and mistakes, going personal and recalling past mistakes.

What should you do if you realize that you are experiencing gaslighting?

The most effective method to free yourself from the influence of a gaslighter is to stop all communication with them. However, if for some reason it is not possible to minimize communication, there are a number of rules of conduct with such people.

Invisible Violence

Conduct the conversation by sticking to your plan. Your point of view is the most important to you. A confident tone and a decisive attitude are the two main components of successful communication with such people. Doubts, fear, and uncertainty are what you absolutely cannot show them.

Fight back. If a person intentionally makes you feel unpleasant and hurt with their words, don’t consider it shameful to tell them directly about it and ask them not to do it again. Often, the abuser does not expect such behavior from the victim, and therefore, such tactics will help to gain time and think over the situation ( read also : Abusers and sociopaths: how to recognize and protect yourself from their influence ).

Ask a third party to share an independent opinion. If you are really dealing with a gaslighter, try not to doubt your rightness when communicating with him, trust only your experience and intuition. It would also be a good idea to record conversations with him on a voice recorder or video. At the decisive moment, you will not only have an argument to support your rightness, but also an extra opportunity to calm yourself down and make sure that you really said the words that you are being made to doubt.

How to Let Go of the Past and Forgive Yourself

By
Newsroom
-
0
How to Let Go of the Past and Forgive Yourself

The past is often the source of our doubts, worries, and claims to ourselves, preventing us from developing in the present. French psychologists say that in order to live a full life, you need, firstly, to let go of your past, and secondly, to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is a process. Forgiving yourself for your past will take more than a day, and sometimes even months. However, it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to start over – the main thing is that you really want it. We offer a few simple steps that will help you leave the past in the past and, with a light heart, embark on a new and exciting journey called a full life.

Mistakes are also an experience

The reason why most of us feel guilty or ashamed for actions taken in the past is very simple: the decisions made in the past no longer correspond to our moral convictions in the present. We have changed, and now we evaluate what we did and said in the past from the position of ourselves today. The fact that we have grown and changed is already a reason for pride. This means that, in fact, the mistakes made in the past became the “key” to our development – it was they and the feeling of shame for them that determined our morality today. We have learned from our own bitter experience that it is wrong to act the way we did, and therefore, we will not repeat the unfortunate blunders in the future.

How to Let Go of the Past and Forgive Yourself

The past is in the past

At first glance, this statement seems obvious and therefore banal, but when it comes to real life, we forget about it and live the same scenario over and over again. We try to do the impossible, namely, to change the past, which cannot be “restored” for one simple reason – the past no longer exists. The only way out is to accept the past as it is. Acceptance is the only way to recovery.

Make a list of things you would like to “redo.”

We never attach importance to this “list”. And yet, it is quite an effective psychological move. Imagine that you have the opportunity to go back a few hours into the past and act differently than you did the first time. Think about what you would do now, what you would say to someone you once offended, or maybe you would remain silent altogether, take a different path, choose a different profession, and so on – you never know what we regret years later. Surprisingly, it is this kind of “debriefing” that will help us get rid of internal stress accumulated over the years, let off steam, and relax. Allow yourself to “rewind the tape”, analyze your mistakes: a meticulous analysis is a guarantee that in the future you will be able to avoid unpleasant situations.

Act by your moral values ​​from now on.

The best thing you can do to say goodbye to your past and stop feeling guilty is to start replacing your negative thoughts with positive and harmonious ones without wasting a minute. Thanks to this, sooner or later, you will realize that you can manage almost any situation the way you want. In addition, this will help you enjoy the decisions you make, and seeing a positive result, be proud of yourself. Not so bad for raising your self-esteem, you must admit.

Identify the reasons for your reflection

Returning to the past that weighs you down once again is certainly a difficult and unpleasant task. However, you will still have to overcome yourself, because only by facing your fears can you overcome them once and for all. Identify those moments that are the most unpleasant and oppressive for you, and look at them from the outside. Imagine that the situation that once caused you a lot of pain is just an abstract story, and not your one. Put aside emotions, work with the “model” of the situation, and not the situation.

Accept the obvious

Some memories that make us uncomfortable are not so easy to deal with the first time. This will require separate and rather long-term work. Psychologists call it “general cleaning of the mind.” This means that it is time to talk openly with yourself about your experiences, not to be afraid of the past, but to try to cope with it. Yes, you made a mistake, because you are not a machine, but a living person. You have the right to make mistakes, you bear moral responsibility for them, but this does not mean that you should devote the rest of your life to self-flagellation.

Turn the page

How to Let Go of the Past and Forgive Yourself

As mentioned above, the past is in the past; realize that it is not possible to completely fix the situation in the present. You did everything in your power to make it better, that’s all. The present is the best reason to turn the page and start all over again. Life goes on. Your past, no matter how terrible it was, helped you become who you are today. Learning to be grateful to life for the lesson it taught you is an important step towards forgiving yourself.

Give yourself some time to breathe

Before you master a skill, like riding a bike, you need several attempts. Only a child prodigy can master a skill on the first try, and not always. The same applies to your system of thoughts: you need time to get the hang of it, and you need several attempts to start getting the hang of it. Be realistic – don’t rush, give yourself time to learn something new. And one more thing: on a new path, you will also make many mistakes. We all make them.

Love yourself again

The last step on the path to a new life “without a past” is to love yourself again. Try to become your own best friend, respect yourself, trust your intuition, and most importantly, stop thinking that you are the source of all problems. There are things that, alas, do not depend on us. Look for books on this topic, surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with, and remember: you are stronger than your past mistakes. Believe in yourself, you deserve it.

 

5 Steps to Returning to a Full Life After an Abusive Relationship

By
Newsroom
-
0
5 Steps to Returning to a Full Life After an Abusive Relationship

Leaving a toxic relationship is always a difficult process that requires a lot of effort at all stages. We tell you how to get yourself back and get back to normal after breaking up with an abuser.

Abusive relationships are those in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another, humiliates them, allows cruelty in communication and actions with the aim of suppressing the will of the victim. In such relationships, the victim and the aggressor do not change places – one partner is always the aggressor, and the victim, for some reason, cannot leave this union.

Moreover, this kind of relationship can develop not only in a couple – a similar model can be observed within a family, for example, between parents and children, but one thing remains unchanged – the traumatic experience that haunts the victim even after breaking up with the abuser.

What methods does the abuser use?

  • Accusations (the abuser tries to blame his partner for all difficulties and failures);
  • “Emotional swings” that strengthen the connection between the aggressor and the victim;
  • Total control – the abuser controls every step of his victim.
  • Biased criticism;

Of course, getting out of such a relationship is an extremely difficult process, but recovery after breaking up with an abuser will be no less resource-intensive. We will tell you about five main steps that will help you get back to normal, get your life back, and not repeat past mistakes.

Realize and accept the situation

As a rule, a sense of self-preservation and willpower, as well as the support of others, help to get out of such relationships – a person understands that healthy relationships should not be built this way, and the fact that in the current union he is threatened by real physical and psychological danger, forces him to accept the fact and start acting.

However, after breaking up with an abuser, many may experience guilt, regret, even pity for the aggressor, and also feel a lack of those emotions that the couple had during favorable periods, which can cause a return to a toxic relationship. It is important to accept the fact that such a person cannot be “cured” – do not forget about the real problems that destroyed your relationship.

Let go of the past

This point is inextricably linked with the previous one. Coming out of a relationship that is destructive to health and the psyche, a person often experiences withdrawal and depression, as a result of which he has relapses – he yearns for his illusions, emotional shocks, adrenaline. That is why it is important to try to let go of the past, get rid of emotions (both positive and negative), anger, and resentment towards the abuser, and tune in to a new chapter in life ( read also : How to let go of the past and forgive yourself ).

This is not about forgetting the grievances and re-establishing contact with the aggressor; it is important to fundamentally reconsider your values, as well as focus on stopping from making the abuser (and the experiences associated with him) the center of your life.

Work through the trauma

This can be working together with a psychologist who will help you explore the root of the problem and get rid of it, and independent work on yourself. You need to understand that starting a new relationship right after a breakup is not a panacea, since you can again find yourself in a whirlpool of the same problems if you do not understand the underlying reasons for what happened and do not work through your traumas, and therefore focus on yourself and your needs at this point.

Take care of yourself

Allow yourself to do what you previously did not allow yourself to do due to the restrictions and prohibitions coming from the abuser – develop yourself, improve your self-esteem, master a new hobby, spend time (and money) only on yourself, get a pet, communicate more with friends and family. This approach, which implies investing resources in yourself, will help not only to let go of the past but also to accumulate strength and energy for a new life.

Don’t be afraid of new relationships

When you have worked on your mistakes, completed the previous steps, and are ready to start a new relationship, you should not be afraid of them – of course, it is not that easy. You may be overcome by doubts and fears, but a healthy union built on mutual respect and trust will not only be able to put an end to a painful issue, but will also give you new emotions and sensations.

Start working on your self-esteem. Toxic relationships often lower the victim’s self-esteem. Start gradually restoring your faith in yourself. See a psychologist to work through the trauma and learn to love and respect yourself. Write down your achievements, and praise yourself for small victories.

Don’t rush into a new relationship. You need to fully recover before you start a new relationship. Give yourself time to heal. Learn to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship so you don’t repeat your mistakes.
Many victims of toxic relationships blame themselves for what happened. This is a mistake. You are not to blame for the abuser’s behavior. You could not have predicted everything that happened. Forgiving yourself is an important step toward healing. Understand that you did the best you could in this situation.
Recovery is a process. It’s not a quick sprint, but a long marathon. Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect everything to change overnight. Take at least a small step forward every day. And remember that you deserve happiness and a healthy relationship. You are stronger than you think. And you will overcome this. Believe in yourself. You are worthy of love and being loved. Enjoy the recovery process and gradually return to a full life. You deserve peace, joy, and inner peace. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone.

Eternal Single: 6 Signs You’re Not Made for Relationships

By
Newsroom
-
0
5 Annoying Habits That Are Ruining Relationships

Let’s figure out what non-obvious markers indicate that you don’t need to create a romantic union.

Social stereotypes still push us to strive to create a strong couple, even if we are not interested in it at all. At the same time, the modern world offers us a huge number of possible development scenarios, many of which do not imply serious relationships, but are filled with other, no less significant processes. How to understand that you are not made for a relationship? Psychologist Olga Romaniv will help you find the answer to this question.

6 Signs You're Not Made for Relationships

You are simply comfortable being alone

Is it worth asking unnecessary questions if you feel comfortable? Sometimes we just feel good being alone. If you know yourself and understand that you are not ready or do not want to be in a relationship at the moment, then why be in one? Yes, you may like the person, but if you do not feel that a relationship is possible at the moment, then you are not obliged to enter into one. You are not alone if you prefer to be alone. Today, a record number of people share this preference with you. Respect your desires, no matter how different from the generally accepted they may seem.

You tend to focus entirely on other aspects of life.

6 Signs You're Not Made for Relationships

If you don’t have time for a relationship, what’s the point? Whether it’s your career or your studies that take up all your thoughts and free time, whatever the reason, you may not feel the need or you may not have the energy to focus on a relationship. Sometimes we ignore these needs and have an affair anyway. But if other aspects of life constantly take precedence over your loved one, the relationship won’t last.

You have a fear of commitment…

This fear exists in all of us. However, only a few of us talk about it openly. Commitment issues are difficult to overcome and can destroy both the relationship itself and the psychological health of one of the parties. It is normal to be your number one priority. If you want the freedom to do what you need, then that is exactly how it should be. In relationships, we often lose a part of ourselves, and our priorities inevitably change. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you may not be ready for such a step yet.

…Or trauma from a past relationship

It’s not uncommon for people to carry emotional scars from past relationships. Abuse (in any form), infidelity, or toxicity can cause psychological barriers that can take years to heal ( read also: 5 Steps to Recovering Your Life After an Abusive Relationship ). In most cases, if a person hasn’t taken the time to work on themselves and heal, it can lead to them continuing to make the same mistakes or get into toxic relationships.

You are not into monogamy

When you are committed to someone, you should not flirt with others. If you are constantly looking for someone new and cheating on your partner, the relationship loses its meaning (unless, of course, you have agreed on an open relationship). It is better to be single and have the opportunity to communicate with anyone in any way than to cheat and then feel guilty. As long as you are honest with yourself and others about what you want, no one can blame you. Whether you want to be in a serious relationship with obligations or limit yourself to fleeting dates, open relationships, and other forms of love affairs depends only on you

You want to work on yourself

6 Signs You're Not Made for Relationships

Sometimes people just need to work on themselves before starting a new chapter in their lives. Whatever the reason, if a person admits that they are not healthy or mature enough for a serious relationship, this is very commendable. It is difficult to admit at the beginning, but such strength is the first step to becoming the best version of yourself, and then trying to find stability and happiness with another person.

 

Phrases that open up space for trusting and adult dialogue – do they sound in your relationships?

“I understand how you feel,” and “Let’s think together about how to solve this.”
Many arguments start not because of global disagreements, but because we were simply not heard. Or we ourselves were not heard. An emotionally mature person does not try to immediately prove that he is right – he first tries to understand what the other feels. The phrases “I understand your feelings” or “I understand your point of view” do not mean blind agreement, but they contain the main thing – respect for the inner world of the partner.

This is not about manipulation with politeness. This is about genuine interest: why is it so important for you to say this now, and why do you feel this way? When such a space appears in a relationship, where you are not interrupted, not devalued, not rushed to change your mind, the tension begins to dissipate on its own.

And when it’s followed by: “Let’s think together how to solve this,” – everything changes. Not in the sense that you immediately find a magic formula. But in the sense that you say, I’m on the same team with you. It’s no longer “me against you”, but “we are together against the problem”. And for a relationship, this can be a turning point.

Sometimes it is these simple phrases that become the basis for trust. Because behind them lies a choice: not to defend or attack, but to truly be there.

“Let’s not argue and stick to our opinions.”

Sometimes the best way to maintain intimacy is not to look for a winner. Emotionally mature people are not afraid of the phrase, “Let’s agree that we have different opinions.” It doesn’t sound like capitulation — on the contrary, it’s a subtle but very powerful signal: you are more important to me than the argument.

When you say this, you are not putting a period in a conversation – you are putting a comma in a relationship. It is a way of saying, “I don’t agree, but I accept you.” Acknowledging another person’s right to their point of view is not just respect, it is maturity in its purest form. And what is especially valuable is that such words do not attempt to correct or remake the other person to suit yourself. Only the understanding that intimacy is not about identical thoughts, but about respect for differences.

“How can I help you?”

Amid a tense conversation, this phrase sounds almost like an anti-crisis button. Unexpected, soft, genuinely caring. When you ask, “How can I help you?” you shift the focus from the conflict to your partner.

You show: I care not only about arguments, but also about your feelings right now. This phrase is not about solving a problem, but about support. About letting the other person feel that he is not alone, even if there is tension between you now.

Sometimes this “what” will be very simple: listen, hug, give time. But the essence is not in the action, but in the gesture. In the fact that you ask, and do not guess. This is adult, mature care, not the habitual one, but the attentive one.

“Let’s learn a lesson from this.”

Any quarrel or crisis moment is not just a flash of emotion. It is a tiny mirror that shows much more than it seems at first glance: our pains, grievances, vulnerabilities. But there is good news – in each such moment, there is a hidden chance. An opportunity to see what did not work and understand how it can be done differently.

The phrase “Let’s learn from this” is like a suggestion not to get stuck in the unpleasant, but to emerge from it with something valuable. It shows that you are not clinging to the negative, but are looking for meaning even in it, for the sake of the relationship. Instead of the usual “who is to blame?”, there appears “what does this say about us?”

In relationships, this sounds like an adult position: we don’t hide under the carpet, we don’t blame – we sort things out. So that next time it will be better. So that we become closer, not distant.

“It’s really important to me.”

Maturity is not only about understanding others, but also about the ability to set your boundaries. Calmly, without shouting and reproaches. Just say: “This is important to me.” Without manipulation, without pitfalls ( read also: “20 signs of a woman you want to pursue”).

This phrase sounds like a confession of vulnerability: you don’t demand, you share what matters to you. It can be anything – a principle, a feeling, a habit. But behind these words, there is always openness. And respect for yourself and for your partner.

It is interesting that it is precisely these moments that bring people closer together than hundreds of “I don’t care.” Because they are honest. And honesty, spoken without pressure, always inspires trust.

 

123Page 2 of 3