Every day we hear horror stories about victims of “kitchen boxers”, but violence can be not only physical, but also psychological. We tell you what to do if you are faced with gaslighting.
In the modern world, where the problem of violence against women has not yet been solved, one can increasingly hear such terms as ageism, victim blaming, and lookism. And if the meaning of these words, borrowed from the English language, is more or less clear, then other terms denoting types of psychological pressure still raise questions. For example, the Anglicism “gaslighting” has relatively recently begun to appear in the lexicon. Its meaning is far from clear to everyone, although almost everyone has encountered this type of psychological violence in real life. Anna Devyatka, a family psychologist and Gestalt therapist, talks about what gaslighting is and what to do if you encounter this problem.
The term “gaslighting” itself is a type of psychological violence that consists of denying the facts that have happened and forcing you to question your adequacy. That is, the gaslighter (the person whose actions are directed at you) systematically and regularly denies the adequacy and realism of your perception. These are people who systematically and on a permanent basis devalue not only your words, but also your judgments, experiences, and actions.
The term appeared in the mid-20th century after the English play Gas Lighting, the main idea of which was to question the adequacy of the main character through psychological manipulation.
Almost everyone has encountered a similar situation in a mild form. You probably had a conflict with an opponent in which you claimed that he or she had repeatedly made reproaches and insults towards you, but the person categorically denied it. Or when sorting out relations with parents, you said that you never felt supported and were always criticized, and in response, you heard that the problem was far-fetched and that nothing like that happened. Perhaps in a relationship, you caught your loved one flirting or even cheating, and in response, you received accusations of inadequate perception of reality.
What unites these situations is that in all cases, you were sure that you were right, but the words of the opponent made you doubt the correctness and truthfulness of your words and actions. This is the manipulation technique of the gaslighter, who is trying with all his might to deprive his victim of confidence and faith in himself.
Denial of the facts that happened
The gaslighter may say the following: “I couldn’t say that, you’re making it up,” “That never happened,” “It was completely different, you’re lying.” At some point, the victim really begins to doubt what’s happening and blames themselves for conflicts with their partner, believing that the problems are imaginary.
Denial of the adequacy of emotions
The next step of the abuser is to make the victim doubt her own emotions: “You’re imagining it all, it seems to you,” “It’s not as bad as you say,” “Calm down, you always make a mountain out of a molehill,” “You’re crazy to react like that because of some stupidity.” In such a situation, a person under the influence of the emotional abuser’s manipulations stops trusting their own feelings and emotions.
A statement of the fact of your inadequacy
The gaslighter makes the victim think that her reaction to current events is inadequate: “Are you okay? You haven’t been like that lately. “Judging by your behavior, you’re depressed again.” Such statements provoke doubts, guilt, and helplessness in the victim, while this is exactly the reaction the abuser is seeking.
Devaluing your successes
An important point in the gaslighter’s plan is to devalue the victim’s successes and deprive her of self-confidence: “At your age, I already had two higher educations and was providing for my family, and you…”, “I did the same thing a year ago twice as fast and better, and you still do stupid things.”
Shifting responsibility
A gaslighter will never admit their guilt. On the contrary, an emotional abuser will always look for those to blame, who provoked him, set him up, and deceived him. Even if the victim tries to have an open conversation, the abuser will find a way to turn everything in his favor, namely, he will blame her for all the existing problems.
Substitution of concepts
What is forgivable and permitted for a gaslighter is required of others in threefold volume. He can do almost anything: if such a person gets into an unpleasant situation or makes a mistake, he will always find ways to explain his behavior, and he will always blame the system or other people. However, if a similar situation happens to the victim, the abuser will not be petty and will blame her for all the failures and mistakes, going personal and recalling past mistakes.
What should you do if you realize that you are experiencing gaslighting?
The most effective method to free yourself from the influence of a gaslighter is to stop all communication with them. However, if for some reason it is not possible to minimize communication, there are a number of rules of conduct with such people.
Conduct the conversation by sticking to your plan. Your point of view is the most important to you. A confident tone and a decisive attitude are the two main components of successful communication with such people. Doubts, fear, and uncertainty are what you absolutely cannot show them.
Fight back. If a person intentionally makes you feel unpleasant and hurt with their words, don’t consider it shameful to tell them directly about it and ask them not to do it again. Often, the abuser does not expect such behavior from the victim, and therefore, such tactics will help to gain time and think over the situation ( read also : Abusers and sociopaths: how to recognize and protect yourself from their influence ).
Ask a third party to share an independent opinion. If you are really dealing with a gaslighter, try not to doubt your rightness when communicating with him, trust only your experience and intuition. It would also be a good idea to record conversations with him on a voice recorder or video. At the decisive moment, you will not only have an argument to support your rightness, but also an extra opportunity to calm yourself down and make sure that you really said the words that you are being made to doubt.
