Or how (and why) we subconsciously choose a partner similar to our dad.
What the relationship between a man and a woman should be, we learn in childhood by watching our parents. But not only does this shape our future happiness (or not so happy), future. The relationship between father and daughter is the foundation on which her idea of herself and the role of a man in her life is built.
Dad is the first man
It is he who shapes her idea of herself and her femininity. We are all social creatures, and we are aware of ourselves only in interaction with others. We understand who we are through what our environment says about us, through the consequences of our actions. The social world is like a mirror in which we see our own reflection. Daughters of sensitive and affectionate fathers have higher self-esteem in the future than those who grew up with a cold and reserved parent. The former have a better chance of building a relationship with a man who will care, protect, pamper, and cherish. The latter will unconsciously choose tough and somewhat aggressive men, because affection and care will seem suspicious and undeserved to them.
What can a father do?
Daughters who have had the opportunity to recognize their beauty and femininity through their father’s love have an idea of their boundaries in adulthood and are happier in their relationships. They can consciously say, “You can’t do this to me,” and not feel guilty about it. Through interaction with their father, a girl develops an idea of how relationships with men are built, and in the future, she will build them based on this principle.
If a father spoke to his daughter about her beauty, charm, uniqueness, admired her successes, supported her during failures, protected and cared for her, these qualities are built into the woman’s personality. The girl realizes what she is and what she deserves, and has the right to be treated in this way. This principle is embedded in her understanding of the world. Such a woman will never connect her life with a gigolo or a tyrant: the internal image of her father will not allow this.
First flirtation, requests, and gifts
According to Jung’s theory, a girl of 3-5 years old begins to compete with her mother for her father’s attention and love. At this age, she learns to “please” a man, ask him for gifts, and win his attention. She will later apply all these qualities and skills in her own life. The little woman inside her learns to interact with the world of men in the person of her father. If the father is an insecure man, anxious, fearful for his daughter’s future, then, most likely, the attitude that he will sow, like a grain, will be like this: “You need to be obedient, get married, and the rest is none of your business.” Overprotective fathers do not allow their daughters to take the initiative and choose, and do not support the “game” where she learns to please. They make decisions themselves, without asking their daughter’s opinion.
The result of such upbringing is infantile women who do not know how to make decisions and take responsibility for their own lives.
When men have difficult relationships with their own mother and, as a consequence, with their wife, they do not know how to interact with a woman. They begin to raise their daughter according to the male principle: they set goals for her to achieve, praise her for her successes, and become disappointed when she fails. Love becomes conditional, and to deserve it, the girl needs to achieve and show results all the time. Women who grew up with such fathers do not know how to accept help, courtship, or care. They are purposeful, tough, domineering, often lonely or choose weak and dependent men as partners.
If there is no dad
It is not uncommon for girls to grow up without fathers. It also happens that a father is there, but he is either not involved in raising his daughter, or is physically absent (does not live with the family, is always on business trips). Communication with him is built on the principle of “finding out how things are.” But in both cases, daughters can learn to interact with the world of men: a brother, grandfather, uncle (mother’s brother), godfather, stepfather, family friend, teacher, coach, etc. become a substitute father figure. In psychology, such a figure is called a significant adult. Of course, this person cannot fill the gap in the girl’s upbringing, but he shapes her relationships with men in the future. Such upbringing will have an impact on the formation of the future idea of the relationship between a man and a woman, but this does not mean that such girls will not be happy in their personal lives.
The human psyche is a delicate and amazing mechanism. Its main task is to keep the personality healthy. Therefore, even if a woman has not had a truly “right” father in her life, she can have a healthy relationship; she just needs to put in a little effort.
The father represents:
1. Healthy aggression (ability to stand up for yourself and set boundaries)
2. Confidence when going out into society
(any relationship outside the mother-child dyad)
3. Recognition
“You are my child, you may be different from me, but that does not stop you from being loved and valuable.”
4. Protection, safety
5. It takes some of the stress off the mother, which helps to form a healthy attachment with her
What happens when Dad is unpredictable?
We are looking for a way to predict, form the first strategies of behavior, to maintain relationships.
“How should I behave so that my dad sees me and my basic needs?”
What happens if Dad is physically absent?
We fantasize, then project, filling the image with something of our own (usually disturbing and destabilizing).
“He was probably such and such. What if I’m the same? It makes me feel bad.”
What about adulthood?
- Shame, a feeling of inner emptiness, excessive aggressiveness, depressive episodes, repetitive scenarios in relationships, excessive self-criticism – these are partly or completely echoes of the influence on us of an unreliable relationship with our father.
Can we build secure attachment relationships with partners/friends if we haven’t had that experience with our father?
- More than yes.
Is it possible to get this experience in therapy?
- Yes.
- And also to form the figure of an internal father.
