It’s time to abandon social stereotypes and admit that a mature age is the time of new opportunities. Read our article to find out why.
Time, of course, behaves simply meanly. The conditional interval between 30+ and 45 feels like summer – endless, full of opportunities and pleasures. It seems that at this peak of activity, you can linger forever. But in summer, there is a treacherous August, and in life, there is a treacherous 45, when a deep anxiety begins to undermine: everything will soon end.
After all, we have before our eyes the example of parents who at some point turned from almighty giants into ordinary mortals, rapidly losing confidence and strength. So, what does it mean? Are we threatened with the same thing? Just a little more – and that’s it? And what to do there, in the unimaginable distance of autumn and winter, which is still ahead?
In fact, everything is not so terrible and can be analyzed. If you look fear in the eye, you can keep it in check. It is enough to tell yourself that anxiety is largely associated with the upcoming menopause and potential loss of attractiveness, with fears about whether work will allow you to save up for a decent life, as well as whether you are satisfied with your achievements and whether the chosen path turned out to be the right one. But rationality does not always save: the very fact that at this point you need to decide and do something with your life can drive you into depression ( read also: 5 books that will really help you cope with depression ).
How you form your life credo “after…” depends on your internal position. Depression does not threaten those who naturally follow their presets: “survival” is “survival”, “an active second half of life” — how else? Those who find themselves in the middle are painfully stuck in doubt: you don’t want to “survive”, you don’t believe in the “second half of life” (or rather, you don’t believe that you can organize it for yourself — like in the glossy pictures of the “photo bank”).
“The second half” does not mean that you have to prove something to yourself again, achieve, fight, and search, find, and not give up, otherwise, you will inevitably slide into “survival”. Membership in the “second half” club is not based on nothing: the base is all the previous achievements that form the basis, and then a new game with yourself begins “Will I be able to try, will I dare to do it like this again?”. And if you do not want to play it, then your choice is “survival”, which you have every right to do.
But at the stage of doubts, you passionately want changes – large-scale, fatal ones, which will shake things up and prove that nothing is over yet, that a new turn is still possible. The record holders among such convulsive attempts are moving and divorce. This has a kind of symbolic “burning of bridges”, a physical cutting off of the “past life”, a draft that failed.
The unknown that opens up before you in the event of such a decisive step is frightening, fills you with adrenaline, but also inspires: a very youthful sense of beginning appears. However, we are not young, that’s the thing. And an indicator of our maturity in such a situation is a clear awareness and planning of what is happening ( read also: 7 dangerous illusions that are worth parting with in adulthood ).
“You will go left.”
The simplest (with all its complexity) “breakaway” at the age of 45+ is changing jobs or even the field of activity. At least because here the risk of total loss is obvious. If the prospect of finding a new job at this age causes fear and despair, you are most likely under the influence of powerful social clichés (“at this age nothing good will be offered”) or the level of your professional self-confidence is low.
The situation is, of course, aggravated by the general economic situation and the related personnel policy. Therefore, it is important to put your self-esteem in order – for example, to systematize the idea of your professional achievements, at least at the level of a resume (career and salary growth, awards, company rating), plan advanced training courses and generally bring your competencies up to the requirements of the time.
And to overcome social clichés and other objective “negativity” will help the tunnel vision effect: “I see the goal, I don’t see the obstacles”, when the focus of attention is only the task, the steps to the solution of which you have calculated, and everything unnecessary is discarded, you do not see it, it is not in focus. Rewatch the Soviet film “Magicians” – it is a great example of how, having concentrated, to pass through a wall, although, perhaps, not the first time.
Here we will also include another option, “light”. At this age, it sometimes seems that everything is too late and nothing is interesting, and all sorts of “hobbies” are perceived as something strained and unnatural. So, should you look for new hobbies in an attempt to somehow color your life? Hobbies are not part of the life program, and you do not owe anyone anything, but the world of social networks and the media regularly reports that “everyone” is interested in something. And now we feel ourselves to be not quite complete in comparison with this “everyone”.
No. You are complete. It is quite possible that you have enough work that you are truly passionate about, or those leisure activities that you prefer in your free time – theater, cinema, walking, running, traveling… And if you really want to have a hobby, but it just doesn’t come to you, then here is a great option: spend each vacation in a new place.
A hobby should bring joy, and not become another “duty”. It makes sense to learn a language because you want to learn it, and not because a magazine wrote that in this way you “form new neural connections”. You should only take up tango, master photo editing, or plant flowers when the very thought of it makes your insides clench with joyful anticipation. In this sense, “45+” is no different from “10+” when you were drawn to a drama club like a magnet, and your mother kicked you into the piano.
“Then I’ll go right.”
A more complex temptation is the impulsive dream of moving to another city, or even a country. Perhaps you want a higher level of comfort or a good environment, social mobility for your children, other professional opportunities, or better education and medical care, or maybe it’s about reuniting with your family or loved one. Timid thoughts on this topic have begun to acquire the confidence of a real desire, and that means it’s time to provide for them psychologically and switch them to the register of what is achievable.
The first thing you need to do is study the country of your dreams as much as possible, so as not to confuse, as in the joke, tourism with emigration. Fear of the unknown is overcome by good preparation: it is important to imagine the new conditions, where and how you will live, what to do, who to communicate with, and what resources to rely on. The main resource is faith in yourself: if you managed to win before, you will succeed now. But faith alone will not feed you, which means you need to find support from those who live in the place of your dreams, and get their advice, even if these are not real acquaintances, but forum participants and social network users.
You need to leave behind a maximally cleared area, but not a “heap of ashes”: close all projects and loans, pay off debts, provide a power of attorney to a loved one just in case, enlist the connections and support of those remaining, check the availability and correctness of all documents.
A new beginning is always a challenge. First of all, it is a challenge to the new you, whose experience and status have now been reset. No one knows about you, and you don’t know anyone. You will have to build connections and prove your worth all over again. However, you have such experience, even if you have never had to move before ( read also: Into a new life: 7 proven tips for packing when moving ).
Remember how one day you had to leave the cozy cocoon of family love and support and go to first grade? That’s how it will be. Only now will you have to become your own mom and dad and, nurturing your sense of self-worth, endlessly remind them: You are the best and deserve the best, you are valuable and significant, no matter what happens, and you have many victories and achievements behind you.
“You are a queen after all.”
It’s practically the same story with divorce. At the age of 45+, it’s the strongest challenge to yourself, your fears, your individuality, hopes, and courage. The same stress, the same uncertainty and hesitation, the same timid voice of doubt until the very end: “Maybe I shouldn’t? Maybe I should stay? Maybe there’s still something for me here?” – and the same tickling, spurring feeling… A bit like the last second before a parachute jump. And in the same way, this feeling needs to be supported by confidence and readiness to move on to practical solutions ( read also: “How happiness in marriage depends on the order of our birth in the family” ).
If you feel like you need to get a divorce, this is exactly the case when it makes sense to compare your feelings with the opinion of an outsider, but knowledgeable in matters of “male-female” relationships and the dynamics of family processes. A consultation with a family psychologist would be quite appropriate. Simply because this delicate area is the territory of “glitches” that we create with omissions, accumulated irritation (both towards the partner and in general, even towards the economic situation in the country). Perhaps the time has come to simply sort out these accumulations, and a visit to a specialist will allow you to either start a new page in your family life or translate the feeling of the need for change into intention and action.
Because, in general, the thirst for drastic changes may well be just an illusion of a new life beginning, a temptation, a purely semblance of transformations and self-deception. Yes, a divorce or a move is always a turning point. The question is in which direction this turning point is – plus or minus. Initiating such changes, you must realize that it will not be easy, it will not work on “maybe”. Impulse is not enough; a conscious calculation of one’s strengths, readiness to build anew, and overcome difficulties must prevail. And also – a decision not to regret anything, even if …
“You have the right to make any move.”
“Survival” is a terrible word. This concept is centuries old. An active, strong man is thrown overboard from the ship of modernity, Akela misses; now your lot is not the road, but the side of the road. Fortunately, the times when the main task of the family was to ensure survival, and therefore the weak became ballast, are gradually retreating under the onslaught of progress and medical achievements. But we still remember the film “The Legend of Narayama”, where the end of survival was put by the old people themselves, asking their children to take them to the mountains and leave them there until death.
In our subcortex, the period of loss of strength is programmed as “survival”, and the ancient firmware changes much more slowly than the time of new opportunities to arrive. The concept of the “second half of life” is adopted more quickly by those who have life experience in their family history, not just survival, and it will be even easier for their children and grandchildren: new scenarios are unfolding right before their eyes. We can choose: to follow the experience of our ancestors or, having accepted their life strategies with gratitude, develop new ones, correlating them with the demands of the time.