Every day, we communicate with different people. Some we like and are pleasant to, and some leave an alluring, charming impression, yet next to such a person, we feel “insufficient.”
You like him. He’s attractive, charismatic, and confident. But when you spend time with him, you start to feel like there’s something wrong with you: like you’re not smart enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough, or even patient enough. You’re always “not enough” around an abuser or a sociopath.
“Abuser” comes from the English word “abuse” – violence. That is, an abuser is a person who commits violence, going beyond the limits of what is acceptable. He insults, humiliates, and morally mocks loved ones.
Sociopaths are people with a personality disorder that manifests itself in ignoring social norms, aggressiveness, extreme impulsiveness, and the inability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships.
When we hear stories about such partners, we think: “It’s unlikely to happen to me.” But we completely forget that both abusers and sociopaths tend to make women fall in love with them and act almost magically on their potential victims. Why the victim? Because only women with a neurotic type of thinking stay with these tyrants. They all indulge in illusions and hope that “it is with me that he will become a different person,” “I will show him true love, family, kindness, and care, and then he will understand everything and, of course, appreciate it.” He will not appreciate it! Never. Moreover, he will begin to provoke and show emotional violence towards you even more every day. Let’s look at the main strategies of abusers and sociopaths.
Abusers
Their strong point is destructive behavior. They cannot communicate calmly without provocations, humiliation, and insults. Yes, they are bored when you smile and do something more important than him. Such men will always provoke you and get you mad. But as soon as you give an emotional response, they calmly leave with a sense of accomplishment, go to bed, and leave you alone, face to face with a mountain of their complaints and a bunch of questions and fears.
An abuser knows how to wait. Doesn’t answer calls or text messages. Never reports or informs a woman of his plans. After all, the most important thing is himself. Everything is for him, for him and his sake. And if you think differently, or, God forbid, you have a different view of things, punishment is inevitable. On his part, it manifests itself in ignoring, demonstrative, and cruel. The abuser’s entire life is built on narcissism, claims to others, and emphasized disdain for loved ones, especially his partner. He considers himself good, and the world around him is disgusting, where, of course, no one understands him.
Sociopaths
These amazing people can be recognized by their unusual and creative response strategies. You will not understand at all what he wants at the moment. The main sign of sociopaths is incongruence, that is, the discrepancy between the internal state, thinking, and external behavior. A sharp change in mood, aggression that increases in a second, and an unwillingness to comply with elementary norms and rules of behavior.
It is useless to talk to sociopaths. And even more so to call them to order. The more you educate and scold them, the more likely it is that they will intentionally avoid unnecessary responsibility and fulfilling obligations.
An amazing feature of sociopaths is that they always have their own exclusive opinion on any issue. And you will not be able to dispute it. If you try, you will be covered by its aggressive and uncontrollable wave. Such men are mainly attractive to women of a sacrificial disposition. They give the impression of strong, charismatic, and courageous people.
The ability to seduce without even trying hard gives women confidence that these men are special and exceptional.
Abusers and sociopaths are similar in that the main tool of influence for both is emotional blackmail. To get what they want, they resort to manipulation and threats. If this does not help, then their behavior becomes aggressive, or, on the contrary, they begin to ignore their victims and demonstrate their resentment.
If you recognize someone in your circle in these definitions (or even your partner), pay attention to the “psychological first aid kit” – it contains what you should take into service in order to break the vicious circle of manipulation and bullying.
- Everything you live with now is an illusion carefully created by such a person for the sake of his personal goals. You are not ugly, stupid, limited, bow-legged, or useless. By telling you these offensive words, he is trying to stop all your attempts to leave him for a world where you are truly loved and appreciated. After all, if you suddenly understand that you are a beautiful, smart, and self-sufficient woman who deserves good treatment and respect, he will have no chance to manipulate you. The more you are unsure of yourself, the easier it is for him to assert himself at your expense, each time lowering your self-esteem lower and lower.
- Any attempts to escape will cause aggression in him. It will be expressed in two variations: direct aggression (screams, scandals, physical violence) and hidden aggression (revenge, provocation of jealousy, demonstrative ignoring, and devaluation of you as a woman). You need to find support from a specialist or a loved one to end the relationship with such a destructive man.
- You will have to fight with yourself too. You will still be visited by self-deprecating thoughts that are born of the fear of losing him: “It’s my fault that I made him lose his temper”, “I do everything wrong”, “He is very tired”, “He is just a very emotional person”. All these are subconscious attempts to justify him. And he will not miss the opportunity to take advantage of your weakness and will continue to put even more pressure on you through revenge, aggression, humiliation, and aggressive blackmail.
- You will feel very bad without him. You will practically have to start living all over again. Nothing is interesting, no one, and nothing attracts you. The longer you communicate with an abuser or sociopath, the less you see yourself as an independent person. And that means you stop living your own life and your desires (after all, the only thing that matters is what he wants, remember?). And when he disappears from your life, you feel empty, because you have already forgotten how to recognize your aspirations and dreams. You will have no desires. Although, perhaps, one will remain – for him to come back, call, write. During such periods of emotionally dependent madness, it is worth switching. Repeat this simple exercise: ask yourself daily what you want. With an effort of will, try to remember what brought you joy before you fell into the web of an abuser or sociopath. Then implement it. Only by paying attention to your sincere desires can you return to an interesting and fulfilling life.
- During the period of separation from an abuser or sociopath, be prepared for the fact that it will not be easy. You will be rocked on emotional swings: wild love for him and admiration, then fear and hatred, along with the inability to resist raging emotions. Treat yourself at this time like a child with a high temperature. Pay attention to yourself and pamper yourself. Just do not feel sorry for yourself – there is no point in going into negative thoughts. “I am always like this”, “Nothing good will ever happen in my life”, “I love him and only him,” and other similar depressive conclusions are just a consequence of a carefully constructed manipulative story, where there is only one main character – He. Unfortunately, there was no place for you in his fairy tale.
You can protect yourself from their influence and manipulation by being indifferent and independent.
The lack of fear of losing an abuser or sociopath disarms them, and they stop their aggressive manipulations for a while. Unfortunately, these transformations are not permanent. At some point, you will feel yourself slipping back into a victim position.
No matter how much you want to, abusers and sociopaths cannot be changed. But you can change your life by freeing yourself from destructive relationships. You don’t have to wait for the right moment – it will never come. Decide for yourself – do you intend to continue to endure, adapt, and humiliate yourself, or do you want to live a full, vibrant, and rich life? The choice is yours.