Why do men appear in our lives time after time who behave selfishly and undermine our self-esteem? It turns out that it’s all about our wrong attitudes. Let’s figure out what prevents us from building a harmonious relationship with a worthy person.
Are you familiar with the situation when you meet a new man, and it seems to you that everything will be different with him? When you think that with this person, you will not repeat past mistakes and will be able to build a strong union? But in the end, everything turns out exactly the opposite. Toxic relationships deal another blow to our self-esteem, and gradually we begin to lose faith that we will be able to meet a worthy partner at all. And the more such negative thoughts we have, the easier it is for us to become a victim of a narcissistic or egoistic man.
What is the reason for this endless cycle of failed relationships and the “wrong” men who appear in life? Most often, the problem lies in our own thoughts and false attitudes. Here are some of them:
1. “Others determine my self-worth.”
You should never let the opinions of others become a measure of your self-worth. The opinions of most people around you cannot be relied upon in this matter. Men come and go, why should you live with the feeling that you are a “discounted commodity” just because one of them called you, for example, “not a housewife”?
In addition, we often do not take into account many factors, believing that all the negative words said to us are the real thoughts of the interlocutor. Imagine that your man has serious problems at work, and he gets upset by any little thing. And you ask him if this dress fits you well. To which he, of course, gets irritated and says: “I don’t care at all what you’re wearing! You’re so superficial and stupid that all you can think about is clothes.”
Of course, it’s offensive. An insult out of nowhere, and even a belittlement of intellectual abilities. But, most likely, this carelessly thrown phrase has absolutely no relation to reality. Your man does not think so, and said it only because at that moment he was thinking about the morning meeting at work, at which the issue of bankruptcy of his company is being decided. Moreover, there is a possibility that later he will not even remember that he said such words ( read also : 5 simple truths about men that are useful for every woman to know ).
There are many reasons why people around us give us negative assessments, and most often, they are connected with the personality and life circumstances of the “assessor”. For example, a person simply got up on the wrong side of the bed, so everything irritates him, or he envies you, so he prefers to speak about you in unpleasant terms. So, do not take everything to heart and think that the opinion of others determines our personality.
2. “I have nothing to offer others.”
If you are not confident in your worth and your abilities, how can this attract a self-sufficient man into your life? Of course, you can’t. Have you heard that like attracts like? This is roughly the same situation. If you feel like a complete person, then there will be no place for toxic relationships and narcissists in your life.
Don’t make finding a partner your life’s goal. After all, there are so many interesting things around. Take up dancing or yoga, visit new places, make new acquaintances, or fulfill your childhood dreams. When you find your own interest in life and feel your uniqueness, you will discover that there are equally interesting and self-sufficient people around you, including men, one of whom may turn out to be the one for you, and you for him.
3. “I constantly find myself in toxic relationships – I guess that’s my destiny.”
This is true for many of us. Our past certainly influences our future, but it does not determine it.
If you repeat the mistakes of old relationships in new ones, there is no higher predestination in this. It only shows that you failed to learn the necessary lessons this time. But there is no need to get upset, you just need to change your view of the past. If you perceive unsuccessful experience as a tool that will help you not to make the same mistakes in the future, you have every chance to build a harmonious relationship.
4. “Every person can be changed.”
Adults rarely change dramatically. Negative character traits are hard to suppress in adulthood, and negative habits become deeply ingrained in us over the years. Some of them, such as a constant tendency to lie, may indicate a narcissistic and toxic personality.
Only if a person himself realizes that his behavior is fundamentally wrong, he have a chance to change. If such a position were imposed on him by a person from the outside, he would not change.
Unfortunately, people are not able to change only at their will. Often, women think that with their care and wisdom, they can “fix” their partner. Make him give up bad habits, become softer and more responsive, and take a responsible attitude to the family budget. But such good intentions, in most cases, are doomed to failure from the start. Try to make it a rule – never start a serious relationship if you are not satisfied with the behavior, views, or character traits of your partner – and you will see how your life will change.
5. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
This is not only a wrong but also a dangerous misconception. Giving a second chance once is usually reasonable (who among us hasn’t made mistakes?), but constantly turning a blind eye to the fact that your partner is causing you pain, problems, or troubles is not worth it. If a person repeats their mistakes over and over again or behaves ugly towards you, there is something wrong with them.
In this case, it is also important to track the problem in time. Because if you let the situation go, a person with toxic behavior begins to feel freer in their negative manifestations. We have all heard sad stories about domestic violence. And it all probably began with the man raising his voice at the woman for any of her offenses and banging his fist on the table. And she got upset and cried, but forgave each time.
Take care of yourself and love yourself. Not every behavior deserves forgiveness, nor is every person able to realize their wrongness so as not to repeat their mistakes.
6. “I don’t deserve better.”
Many of our negative attitudes have their roots in childhood. For example, children who are different from others, who do not behave like most people around them, may begin to think that there is something wrong with them. Let’s say we have a tradition of girls playing with dolls, but what should we do if the little one is interested in trains and a Lego railroad?
During adolescence, important changes occur in a person’s life. His personality is formed, and he searches for himself. And at this moment, he may feel that he is very different from others. Thus, the thought may arise that “since I am different, I am less worthy.”
If such children are not given the support they need from their parents and older mentors, there is a danger that they will continue to feel, as adults, that they deserve less than “normal” people.
And those around us act as our mirror. If we believe that we deserve only mediocre treatment, that is how we will be treated. If we believe that we deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and honesty, we attract that into our lives.
In the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, Heath Ledger’s character says a very important phrase that is worth remembering as a life credo: “Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not worthy of who you want.”
7. “My life is full of negativity.”
Have you ever met people who glow from within? They emanate rays of positive energy, which they charge everyone around them with. Subconsciously, you want to reach out to them, be near them, and communicate. The opposite situation is with people who are tuned to a negative wave. They emanate melancholy and despondency, and we want to quickly run away from them as far as possible.
Of course, everyone has difficult periods in life. But even amidst the endless rush and sudden problems, you must not forget about your emotional well-being. It is useful to devote at least 10 minutes to meditation every day. But if this does not suit you, try to simply stop at some point and distract yourself from pressing matters, take a deep breath and exhale, remember what you love, what gives you pleasure and joy. Let good memories and pleasant images emerge in your memory that will make you smile. Let these positive emotions pass through you and move on.
If you find the strength to get rid of these negative attitudes, you will simply not want to let selfish and negative people into your life.
