Leaving a toxic relationship is always a difficult process that requires a lot of effort at all stages. We tell you how to get yourself back and get back to normal after breaking up with an abuser.
Abusive relationships are those in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another, humiliates them, allows cruelty in communication and actions with the aim of suppressing the will of the victim. In such relationships, the victim and the aggressor do not change places – one partner is always the aggressor, and the victim, for some reason, cannot leave this union.
Moreover, this kind of relationship can develop not only in a couple – a similar model can be observed within a family, for example, between parents and children, but one thing remains unchanged – the traumatic experience that haunts the victim even after breaking up with the abuser.
What methods does the abuser use?
- Accusations (the abuser tries to blame his partner for all difficulties and failures);
- “Emotional swings” that strengthen the connection between the aggressor and the victim;
- Total control – the abuser controls every step of his victim.
- Biased criticism;
- Limitations (financial, physical, emotional);
- Gaslighting is a belief in inadequacy ( read also : Invisible violence: what is gaslighting and how to protect yourself from it );
- Intense controlling or unhealthy jealousy;
- Physical violence or extremely aggressive behavior.
Of course, getting out of such a relationship is an extremely difficult process, but recovery after breaking up with an abuser will be no less resource-intensive. We will tell you about five main steps that will help you get back to normal, get your life back, and not repeat past mistakes.
Realize and accept the situation
As a rule, a sense of self-preservation and willpower, as well as the support of others, help to get out of such relationships – a person understands that healthy relationships should not be built this way, and the fact that in the current union he is threatened by real physical and psychological danger, forces him to accept the fact and start acting.
However, after breaking up with an abuser, many may experience guilt, regret, even pity for the aggressor, and also feel a lack of those emotions that the couple had during favorable periods, which can cause a return to a toxic relationship. It is important to accept the fact that such a person cannot be “cured” – do not forget about the real problems that destroyed your relationship.
Let go of the past
This point is inextricably linked with the previous one. Coming out of a relationship that is destructive to health and the psyche, a person often experiences withdrawal and depression, as a result of which he has relapses – he yearns for his illusions, emotional shocks, adrenaline. That is why it is important to try to let go of the past, get rid of emotions (both positive and negative), anger, and resentment towards the abuser, and tune in to a new chapter in life ( read also : How to let go of the past and forgive yourself ).
This is not about forgetting the grievances and re-establishing contact with the aggressor; it is important to fundamentally reconsider your values, as well as focus on stopping from making the abuser (and the experiences associated with him) the center of your life.
Work through the trauma
This can be working together with a psychologist who will help you explore the root of the problem and get rid of it, and independent work on yourself. You need to understand that starting a new relationship right after a breakup is not a panacea, since you can again find yourself in a whirlpool of the same problems if you do not understand the underlying reasons for what happened and do not work through your traumas, and therefore focus on yourself and your needs at this point.
Take care of yourself
Allow yourself to do what you previously did not allow yourself to do due to the restrictions and prohibitions coming from the abuser – develop yourself, improve your self-esteem, master a new hobby, spend time (and money) only on yourself, get a pet, communicate more with friends and family. This approach, which implies investing resources in yourself, will help not only to let go of the past but also to accumulate strength and energy for a new life.
Don’t be afraid of new relationships
When you have worked on your mistakes, completed the previous steps, and are ready to start a new relationship, you should not be afraid of them – of course, it is not that easy. You may be overcome by doubts and fears, but a healthy union built on mutual respect and trust will not only be able to put an end to a painful issue, but will also give you new emotions and sensations.
Start working on your self-esteem. Toxic relationships often lower the victim’s self-esteem. Start gradually restoring your faith in yourself. See a psychologist to work through the trauma and learn to love and respect yourself. Write down your achievements, and praise yourself for small victories.